Maybe He'll Notice Her Now
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: "Everyday he walks right by me, and doesn't even know I'm there at all. And I can't think of one single reason, why I should hang around" Sometimes it takes somebody leaving for a man to realize what he's losing, & when the loneliness begins to take over, in one instant, he knew just how she felt. Set after S3, when Andy has to face her reasons for leaving for Project Dakota, & Sam
1. Chapter 1

**Helloooooo!**

**Me again, and first off Sin is not coming to an end soon, but I had to post this awesome idea!**

**This is sort of like a special request from an awesome Lady named svugirl25. She had the most amazing idea & requested I write it, so here goes. **

**Thanks to the regulars and Kelly2727, as always you guys are awesome! Welcome to the newbies!**

**Special thanks to svugirl25 for sharing & allowing me to do this!**

**Disclaimer: Nope not mine, not even the song, or the awesome idea, that was svugirl25. All mistakes are mine though! **

**Chapter 1-**

**When Your Heartbeat Walks Away **

The drive home was spent with her wondering endlessly.

The street lights whirled passed overhead, as the car's headlights lit up the highways tarmac as her and her partner were carried away from a life they had treated as their own for the last six months.

She spent the forty-five minute drive wondering how life would be when she finally made it home, and only allowed herself these thoughts now because they was wrapped up in the safety of a car moving away from the danger they had let consume their lives for their time away.

She wondered how Traci and Leo were doing; her act of running out on them when they needed her the most was still borderline unforgivable.

She reflected over thoughts of Dov and Chris and let her mind harbor the possibility that she might not see Chris when she got back to Toronto. He might have decided to go after Denise and start the proper family that they all deserved. And for a kid as cute as his, who wouldn't?

Her mind spun over Gail, as she glanced over at Nick, who looked as nervous as she felt.

Nick hadn't quite forgiven himself for running out on Gail again. Leaving her at the altar was one thing, but now that they were older and wiser, leaving her when she really needed him when her badge was on the line, that was a completely different story.

He had admitted to Andy that he was running partly because he was scared, scared that Gail wouldn't hang around if she lost her badge, scared that she would break his heart now that he was ready to admit that he was really and truly in love with her, and he was scared that she didn't and would never feel the same about him as he felt about her.

When she saw the road signs that read Toronto city limits, panic welled inside her and fear crashed through her as one daunting thought invaded her mind.

_Sam. _

Going home meant that she would have to face him and the repercussions of his words and her actions from the last time they saw each other.

As the memories flashed through her mind, sadness creeped its way into her heart.

She knew that life with Sam was unpredictable, it was like a roller coaster ride, but after he told her those three little words, the three little words she had been yearning to hear, she walked away. But, she had her reasons, and maybe one day she would share them with him so that he would understand.

However, between now and that point in time, she knew that there would be a whole bunch of uphill's, because that was just the way that Sam was.

She knew he would probably hate her and hold a few grudges or a large amount of resentment towards her, but she wouldn't blame him if he did, he deserved that right. And she deserved to be blamed.

She had made peace with that fact a long time ago, and she had accepted that when this moment came, she would have to face him not knowing how things would play out. She would come home and the only thing she was sure about is the uncertainty that she would find.

She chanced a quick glance at Nick, who seemed immune to the fact that they were now driving through Fifteen's patrol area. He just sort of stared out the windscreen, his face void of anything.

"You ready to do this?" Her voice carried out sounding mousy, though it seemed to do what she meant it to do, as it drew Nick's attention and he turned to face her.

"No." He managed a weak smile, something she was used to seeing him wear whenever they talked about going home or Gail.

"She's changed you know, since Vegas. Trust me, if she let you in, it'll still be there". Great, she was trying to give him hope when she wasn't even sure if Gail was still at Fifteen or even in Toronto.

"I know. You decided what you're going to do yet?"

She shook her head and looked out the window. What was she supposed to do? Sam told her he loved her, and she told him she didn't care anymore. He told her he'd do everything until she said yes, and she just walked away. He asked for her to let him in long enough to have a drink with him, but she left town without a word or a second look back-and never showed up.

She really had no idea what she was supposed to do, even what she wanted to do, simply because she didn't even know how she felt anymore. Or how he would feel now that she was back. If he felt anything anymore.

Sam wasn't the kind of guy that just walks up to you and says 'I love you'; he wasn't the kind of guy to put any of his feelings into words, and when he did and you left him hanging, he really wasn't the kind of guy to forgive and forget.

"I think he'll be waiting for you; he waited two years for you Andy, six months apart isn't nearly as bad as having to watch you with someone else". That was just like Nick, always seeing the positive side of something, as long as it was someone else's "something" and not his own. But he didn't know Sam.

After Jerry died, _she_ didn't even know Sam anymore.

"I'm not counting on it," she whispered, as a flash of lights caught her attention. Looking out of the window, her breath hitched as she saw the familiar sign marking the wall. It read Fifteen Division, and it signaled the start of the rest of their lives... and their return home.

Their handler Brian, pulled the car up to the door and hit the brakes turning to face them, with a smile.

He never really spoke, ever, he was just always there.

Nick climbed out of the car and grabbed their bags before they said goodbye. They watched as Brian drove out of the parking lot, leaving them there alone in silence, the darkness hiding them from anyone who happened to glance in their direction.

Nick grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the door, squeezing it gently and reassuringly, before letting it go and opening the door.

Once inside, the familiar sounds and smells of her second home enveloped her enough to make her stop for a split second and take it all in.

The longing she had felt since she left abruptly disappeared, as it suddenly became a reality to actually be home.

They had no idea who was on what shift, and they were returning blind, but still, it was a welcome feeling.

Stepping into the hallway that would lead them to the center of the barn, Andy felt her stomach tie up into a knot, her heart hammering so fast in her chest that it nearly drowned out all other sounds, as its thundering rhythm pattered loudly in her ears.

"Andy? Andy!" The familiar screech of her name made her freeze and spin around in the direction it came from, just in time for her to see Traci come running towards her seconds before she was bombarded with warmth from Traci enveloping her in the tightest hug she had ever been given.

How she had missed this... missed Traci and the sense of security she seemed to wrap around her.

Traci clung to her as she clung back; the warmth she felt was so consuming that she had the sudden urge to let her threatening tears break free.

How she survived six months of her life without this, she would never know, but having it back was the best feeling ever.

"Don't ever do that to me again," Traci whispered in her ear, making her feel more guilt than she already did.

Traci pulled away, holding her at arm's length. She found more words to fill the air between them, while her eyes roamed over Andy, taking every inch of her appearance in "So, how was it?"

"Good, but it's better to be home". She smiled at Traci, her fear about their friendship being over subsiding. How had she ever let those thoughts run through her mind? Sure Traci would be pissed, but she wouldn't abandon their friendship because Andy needed to escape.

"I'm so glad you guys are back". Movement behind Traci caught Andy's eyes. She looked up just in time to see Gail come to a stammering halt, before she turned around and walked away, passing through the collection of people that had formed to watch their return.

In less than three seconds, Nick had dumped their bags on the floor, in the middle of the hallway, and walked after her. Her name escaped his lips in agony as he called out in vain.

Traci took her by the hand and walked over to their bags; she picked one up and handed it to Andy, grabbing the other and walking towards Frank's office.

"Leo has been asking about you every day".

"Seriously? How is he?"

"Big,_ and_ smart. You owe him pizza and a movie night". Traci giggled the last part out, knowing Andy would in no way mind her making promises on her behalf.

"He's good, he's really, really good".

Andy felt so bad for leaving them when they needed her the most, but she knew Traci would understand. They'd just have to have a talk about it somewhere down the line.

Halfway down the hall, Andy's eyes focused on the person coming towards them. Her strong facade suddenly fading as adrenaline surged through her, and her heart gave up any attempt to keep beating.

He sensed their presence and looked up from the papers he was intently reading, his gaze meeting Andy's, while his feet stuttered and stopped. His gaze held hers for a full twenty seconds. He stood motionless, his face void of any emotion, any thought or any indication of how he felt at seeing her.

Traci's voice sounded somewhere in the background, but Andy's full attention seemed focused on Sam. He stood a few feet away, staring at her,her own feet seemed to suddenly find themselves planted firmly to the spot.

Sam blinked rapidly, almost like he was expecting her to evaporate from his line of vision. He dipped his head a little lower, breaking their gaze. To her surprize he then turned around and walked away, back in the direction he had just came from.

Andy felt worse than she had ever expected to. She had played a million scenarios over and over in her mind as to how this moment would be, but that had never been one of them.

And it hurt way more than she had thought it would.

A soft touch to her hand made her look at Traci whose eyes shimmered in sadness.

"Hey, let's do breakfast after my shift and your debriefing?"

Andy nodded absentmindedly. She really wasn't focused on the words her friend was saying, but rather the feeling of having her heart ripped out again, the pain triggering memories to flood back.

Leaving her at Frank's office door, Traci walked away with promises to see her later.

By the time the sun began to rise, the day shift officers started arriving, the barn a buzz of activity as cases were handed over and shifts replaced with fresh bodies. As promised, Traci was ready and waiting for her when she left her debriefing, assurance of good food and decent coffee lingering on her words.

Traci chose a diner close to the barn and made the drive over there like she was starving or in serious need of a caffeine fix, something Andy had missed when she wasn't around... Traci's maniac driving skills.

They took a booth at the back, Andy sliding into her seat across from Traci, her stomach growling for a decent meal.

The thing about UC was you drank way too much, hardly ate, and when you did, it was the worst food imaginable, so you didn't even bother after awhile. You lived on coffee and skipped showers and washing your hair. Yup UC was every woman's dream.

The conversation drifted over easy topics while they waited for their coffees and breakfast orders, their banter never seeming to have changed over their time spent apart. But Andy just seemed to let her mind keep replaying the image of Sam's face when he looked up and saw her standing in the hallway.

She tried to block it out, but her mind wouldn't let her; it ran the images on rerun.

Their coffee's arrived, but her mind still lingered on the heart wrenching feeling that clouded over her. She knew coming home would be hard, but that, _that_ was something she never expected.

When their meals arrived, she was reduced to pushing her food around on her plate with her fork, rather than eating it, her appetite having vanished the more she allowed thoughts of Sam to consume her.

Maybe it was fair punishment, to have him walk away when she came back, just like she did to him when she left. And if he really did feel like he said he did when he said those three little words, then she knew exactly how he felt, because right now, her heartbeat seemed to have walked away with his footsteps.

"Andy!" Traci's scolding voice pulled her from her tormenting thoughts.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Where are you? I've been rambling on, but it's like you're not even here".

"I'm sorry, I'm just really tired". Her excuse was feeble, and she knew that Traci saw right through it, but she still made a valiant attempt to cover up what she was really feeling.

"Okay, let's get this into a takeout and I'll take you home". Traci waved the waitress over and asked for their food to be put into takeout cartons, before sliding out the booth and waiting for Andy to follow.

As soon as Andy stood up, the doorbell jingled in the silent diner, the few patrons keeping noise to a bare minimum.

Andy had a direct, clear line of vision of the door from where she stood, her view unobstructed by anything.

Looking up, she found dark eyes staring at her for the second time in ten hours, his face still vacant of anything other than the mask she was so accustomed to seeing him wear.

In one second flat, her heart went from zero to sixty. Her breath caught in her throat before she could exhale it properly, her lungs refusing to inhale or exhale the oxygen they needed to breathe.

Sam's jaw clenched as he watched her, his eyes darkening; from where she stood it was clear to see despite the bright sunlight filtering in through the windows behind him. A flash of something crossed his face, and then she only caught a glimpse of the back of his head as he back peddled and left the diner.

His depature leaving her speechless and utterly in shock.

Without hesitation, Andy's feet stepped forwards. She had every intention of going after him, until fingers wrapped around her arm and stopped her from leaving.

"Let him go". Traci's voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes cast down as she spoke, unable to look Andy in the eye.

"What?" Her voice was loud and high pitched. Did she even hear Traci right?. Her face filled with confusion at Traci stopping her from going after him.

"Trust me, Andy you need to let him go". This time Traci looked up, her face marred with something so sad Andy felt like time stopped.

"Traci?" Andy's head cocked to the side as she looked up in time to see the door swing closed, Sam completely out of sight, the bell jingling to signal his exit.

"Not now Andy, I know you don't do time and space okay, but right now, you need to give it to him". Traci still had her hand resting on Andy's arm, her voice trembling under pressure, as she whispered the words out.

Never would she have thought that Traci would stop her from going after Sam. It made her wonder if something had happened while she had been away, or if something was wrong.

"Look, you need to go home and sleep, take a hot shower and eat. You've just come back, give it some time". Traci wasn't asking, she was telling Andy that; that was what needed to be done.

But the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach sill raged, Traci's words doing nothing to settle the nerves.

"Trust me, you need to do this".

Andy nodded as the waitress returned with their food and the bill, Traci grabbing the bag and handing over some cash before dragging Andy out the door.

Traci dropped her off at home, with the promise of a call to catch up soon, leaving Andy alone with her mind running wild.

She shed her clothes and grabbed a shower, dressing in her favorite pajama pants and a sweatshirt, before dumping her discarded clothes in the trash.

She fished her phone out the bag Luke had given back to her at the barn after she had finished her debriefing and plugged it in to charge. Lifting out her badge, her fingertips ran over the cold metal as they traced the emblem of everything she held in her heart.

It was strange that one small object could hold her passion for her career, her best friends, her dad, and her broken heart all in the palm of her hand.

One nagging thought stayed behind in her mind as she put the badge down on the coffee table and walked to her bedroom, yanking off the musty bedding.

That same thought stayed embedded where it was while she covered her bed in clean linen, closed the curtains and flopped down on top of the covers.

One thought she had now, that had never crossed her mind when she was away- What if Sam really was over her? What if there was nothing left to salvage? What if he had told Traci that?

Screaming into her pillow, she pushed the thought out of her mind, as her heart became heavily burdened with the possibility that she had lost Sam forever.

As the first tear broke free, months of bottled up emotion spilled over, as reality became an ugly picture of truth.

**So let us know what you thought in another awesome review!**

**And just to mention- svugirl25 will have a really awesome surprise for you guys when this is finished, so anyone want to guess what it is? **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	2. I Am Legend

_**A/N: From JBJ**_

_Please note that it is with great sadness that I post this note. _

_SVUgirl25 approached me to write a fic featuring a super awesome song, __"__Maybe He__'__ll Notice Her Now__"__ by Mindy McCready, and it was posted on Sunday 17th February 2013, the same day that Mindy McCready passed away from an apparent suicide. Please note that posting on the same day was totally coicidental!_

_I would just like to say that we did not know about this beforehand, and that this has been in the works for two weeks, so it is not an attempt to feature her now that she has passed away. I am South African so I__'__m about 8 hours ahead of the US, therefore, this was posted before the tragedy struck, and I only learned about it on Monday 18th February 2013. _

_I wish to convey my condolences to her family & fans, and just want to say that in NO WAY are we trying to portray any disrespect towards her or her music, so to any of her fans reading this, please do not take any offense to anything that you may read, it is in no way associated with her in any way!_

_Lastly I would like to say that I in NO WAY condone suicide, so this is in no way a tribute to the actions that claimed her life (pending the official cause of death), but rather a tribute to a brilliant song, by an awesome artist! Please check it out if you have not yet heard it, I don__'__t do country music, but just fell in love with it the second I heard it!_

_Thanks to SVUgirl25 for letting me find it before it became a part of some sad history._

_This one is for Mindy McCready, & all her Fans!_

**A/N: From svugirl25** - I'm still in shock over the news of Mindy and very sad about it. This story idea came to me last year, so the timing of it being posted Saturday (or rather at 2:30 a.m. on Sun.) and then her being discovered on Sunday makes me think of a discussion point I made about RB truly being like real life...in the sense that things in life happen at the most unexpected times. This story will be dedicated to her and the legacy she left in country music that will live on forever. As a fan of her music, and with this song having always been a favorite of mine, now this song will hold even more meaning to me than it already did.

To answer the Guest question: Things in my life have (like I have mentioned above) always had a habit of happening at unexpected times…things that I later realized were signs. This song has held a significant meaning in my personal life for a very long time. While this tragedy has nothing to do with me, as I have no association with the families involved, I can't help but think the coincidence of the timing of the story being posted is another sign in my life. I want my career to be in abuse advocacy, prevention, and awareness.

A few years ago, I sent a request to a contact for Mindy's booking/management regarding a special project I was working on for abuse survivors. I never received a response back, but for the record, this request was sent before her presence in the news increased dramatically. At the time (based on then recent events), she seemed to be in a slightly better place, as she was releasing new music and appeared to be making progress (listen to the song she wrote in jail called "I'm Still Here"). I knew from her interviews that she was a survivor and thought the project would be a good outlet for her, to be an inspiration to those who are suffering the same things she has. I found out today that she had spoken at a conference for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 2006 (her efforts also involved her autobiographical abuse song "Black and Blue"). Part of awareness is emphasizing that abuse is not a private issue….that everyone has a responsibility to do what they can to help.

To me, this posting coincidence is a sign for me to continue and expand my awareness-raising efforts, especially concerning suicide. I believed that she could overcome this and gain strength from it. I believed she could be an inspiration to others with the project. I did something some others didn't….I didn't judge her…I saw her as a survivor instead of just someone who couldn't control their life (referring to the people who made fun of her struggles). Not everyone can be helped, but it's our job to try, because if we don't, they won't have a chance of being saved. When tragedies like this happen, often the first thing people say is "why didn't no one do anything"….I cried when I thought about different things that people should have done that may could have prevented this…it didn't have to have happen. Please look up her last recorded song "I'll See You Yesterday", which turned out to apparently be her suicide note (article is on ). In hindsight, things like this are realized, but if we work together to pay attention to possible red flags from those suffering, there is a chance they can be saved.

So if you see someone who needs help, do what you can, because you may turn out to be the only person who tries to help. Everyone won't always be saved, but if we don't try to help, there's no hope for them. So, be an encouragement to others and always help when you can…we'd all be lost without compassion.

To Mindy: You will be sincerely missed, but you will live on through your music. And hopefully, the one positive that can come from this is that your story will save lives in the future…that it will motivate people to listen to pleas for help from those who are suffering. We hope we do justice in honoring this beautiful song.

**As always, thanks to the regulars and the awesome Kelly2727! **

**Welcome to all the newbies, wow there are a lot of new names popping up, where have you been hiding away? **

**Welcome to my world!**

**Chapter 2- I Am Legend**

Waking up to the sheer darkness of her own room, in her own home, had a good side and a bad side. Good that she was home, bad that she really didn't feel like calling it home anymore.

Her dreams had been plagued with dark eyes, his lips telling her it was over.

Her nightmares UC had been the worst; she often woke up screaming, after images of Sam taking the grenade seconds before it exploded in his hands haunted her sleep, producing a downpour of tears, her screaming his name waking Nick.

Nick wasn't quite sure how to handle that the first time it happened; he just sat on the edge of the bed staring at her, totally clueless to the events that occurred after the grenade.

He made them coffee and sat her down before telling her to talk about it or he was going to request her to be pulled. He was a smart guy; he served in Afghanistan and saw things that he would never forget, so he could relate.

So at 3 A.M., barely twenty four hours after they left, she told him.

_Everything. _

From Sam wrapping his hands over hers when she held on to the grenade, up until when she walked out of the barn after he promised to do whatever it took to get one chance at making it work…one chance at making it right.

Nick was shocked, partly because of how Sam had been honest enough to voice the actual words, although his timing had been way off, and also partly because Andy walked away after that.

He'd been her breakup buddy and he'd seen what she went through; he just seemed to have trouble grasping the concept that when Sam handed it to her, she turned it down.

Nights after that were spent in similar fashion…late night talks to stop her from waking the neighbors with her screams.

Soon, they hardly slept at night. When they started making progress with their UC, they spent nights 'working' and days sleeping, which was probably why she managed to sleep the entire day gone, waking up in the dark.

Getting out of bed, she fumbled her way to the kitchen to find the light on and bags on the kitchen counter, a note from Traci propped up in front of a bag.

_'Didn't have the heart to wake you_

_Love, T'_

Inside the bags were various food sorts and some magazines.

Traci was definitely the thinker of their crowd.

Opening the fridge, she wasn't surprised by the assortment of cheese, cold meats, fruits, juice and chocolates hidden on the shelves.

Of course, she would have done the same.

Grabbing a juice, she poured a glass, before padding back to her bedroom to retrieve her phone and switch it on.

Her screen came to life with various messages notifying her of texts and voicemails that she had missed over the last six months.

Some were from her dad, others from Dov and Chris, and even one from Chris saying goodbye.

The thought made her sad; she wasn't here when he left, but he still left her a voicemail to let her know that he would miss her and to call when she came home.

But even though it was sad that he left, she was proud of him for making the right decision.

There were a few missed calls from Sam the night she left, but no voicemail, so he was probably just checking to see if she was okay, or on her way.

Sitting crossed legged on her bed, she scrolled through the texts and found one from a few days after they left - Gail saying a short and sweet 'I want to kill you both right now', which had her laughing in the dark.

She found another from the next day - Gail asking her to have Nick's back.

So maybe there was a chance that he would redeem himself after Gail let him grovel enough.

She found a text from Traci on Leo's birthday, which she had completely forgotten about. Traci told her that she had bought Leo a new Playstation game, from her, even in her absence, so she would know what to say when he thanked her. She went on to say that she really missed her and couldn't wait for her to come home.

That was just so like Traci.

There were a few more from Traci that spanned over her absent months, filling her in on all sorts of details that she was missing, but mostly just how much she missed her.

A text near the end caught her eye - Sam's name at the top of her screen when she opened it.

But the text was blank; there were no words, just a lit up screen. He probably hit the wrong button and accidentally sent it to her.

While sipping her juice, her phone vibrated in her hand, making her jump at the unexpected sudden movement.

_'You awake?__'_ Nick seemed to be stuck in the same reversed night and day syndrome she had from being a night owl for months.

_'Yup. How's Gail?__'_ She really worried about Gail while she was gone too, knowing all the blame she put on herself for Jerry's death.

_'Really pissed, how's Sam?'_

_'Really avoiding'_.

_'He'll get there'._ Nick's reply was almost instant.

_'Don't think so, but Gail will'. _

_'If she lets me live long enough'. _

Andy felt better knowing that Nick and Gail had, had some form of contact; she knew that was Nick's biggest fear - that Gail would totally shut him out.

_'She will'. _

_'Night Jack'. _

Nick's reply made Andy burst out laughing; they had been forced to drink so many shots of Jack Daniels UC, that they just started teasing each other with the pet name of Jack.

_'Night Jack'. _

Of course, that had come in handy when their mark thought it was cute that brother and sister could stay on par drinking shots; it was probably what got them inside in the first place.

Andy let out a loud groan when she saw that it was only 9 P.M.; she still had the whole night to go and the next week off on mandatory leave.

She needed to do something other than watch TV, so she got out of bed and dug around in her closet for some sweats to pull on.

Twenty minutes later, she pushed the door of the gym at the barn open; her face was focused on her duffle bag that managed to hook itself on the door handle, as she loudly stumbled through the doorway.

An exaggerated sigh suddenly grabbed her attention; she looked up to discover Sam pounding a boxing bag with some serious blows.

He had his back to her, so her presence went unnoticed, even though it should have been heard.

She watched as he moved, his gloves meeting the bag as it swung back and forth. She felt her breath halt, as if to stop the sound of escaping air from disturbing him. She was content to just stand there and watch him - that is, until he froze and lifted his head. His body visibly tensed and his gloved hands grasped the swinging bag.

She suddenly felt like she was intruding.

He still stood with his back to her, his hands leaving the bag and reaching for each other, as they pried the velcro straps loose and pulled off the gloves rather forcefully.

Andy remained in the doorway, light tremors making her hands shake. Her voice muted to the point of totally lost.

Sam moved off the mat and away from the boxing bag, carelessly tossing the gloves down on a table as he passed it. He walked over to his bag and grabbed it, heading straight towards Andy without looking up.

He abruptly side stepped around her, yanked the door open, and slammed it closed after walking through it, leaving Andy stuck between speechless and stunned.

Oliver eyed him as he slid onto his regular bar seat at the Penny - the routine action helping Sam's breathing return to some normalcy. He then ordered a whiskey for Sam and another beer for himself, never letting his eyes leave Sam.

"Heard she's back". His words made Sam's downcast head snap up. Sam's eyes bore holes through Oliver as he glared at him.

"That bad, huh?" Oliver mumbled, sliding the whiskey over to Sam.

"You know, if you let her go, you're punishing yourself". Oliver said, lifting his beer to his lips.

Times were tough on him, he was going through a divorce, and it was killing him slowly.

"Are we talking about you?" Sam's tone was dry and bitter, some of his self-harbored resentment making its presence known.

"You, me, both, doesn't really matter".

Oliver had a point; when it came to them and the woman in their lives, they both screwed up.

"How'd you figure that?" Sam let some of his anger slip away as he watched Oliver; the man was more broken than anyone he had ever seen going through a divorce.

"We won't ever get them back". Oliver raised his bottle in a silent salute to their stupidity.

Sam looked at the whiskey in front of him, and back at Oliver, before slipping off the chair and sliding the glass back across the bar.

"Don't have too many?" Sam said when leaving, his phone out his pocket before he was even near the door.

When he hit the cool, fresh air, he dialed the number and waited for an answer - a muffled hello soon filled his ear.

"I know it's late, but can we talk?" Better just cut the crap and jump right in.

"Sam..."

"I'm serious this time. I'll be there in ten". Sam hung up before she had the chance to respond.

As promised, he pulled up outside the house ten minutes later, the lounge light on signaling that she was waiting.

He didn't even need to knock; the front door opened as soon as he stepped onto the driveway.

"Zoe". Sam said, as he closed the door behind him and followed her into the lounge, sitting down across from her.

She looked so sad - a far cry from the energetic, vibrant being she used to be.

"Why are you doing this?" His voice was soft and low, even though his temper was flaring on the inside.

"Sam, it's over. I can't do this anymore. I have kids to think about. I can't spend my nights waiting for him to come home or a knock on the door to tell me he won't ever be coming home". Sam watched the tears well in her eyes as she spoke, the fear so raw and evident on her face it just about took his breath away.

"It's breaking him, Zoe. It's killing him, and I don't want to lose another friend".

Things had been on the rocks with them for awhile, Oliver managing to keep it pretty well hidden until Jerry died. Zoe served him with divorce papers a week later, even though he had been allowed to go home and visit his kids.

"Do you think this is easy for me? You have no idea how it feels to lay awake and wonder if they're still breathing, or if they're laying in the gutter bleeding out. You don't know how it feels Sam, so how can you sit there..."

_"I know, okay,_ I know how it feels Zoe. But you can pick up the phone anytime and hear his voice. You have the chance to see him when he comes home everyday. You have the chance to fix this, but you're too damned stubborn to be honest about it and tell him. You married a cop, Zoe, and I know it's never been easy, but have you ever put yourself in his shoes and wondered how he feels everytime someone pulls a gun on him? Everytime he hits seventy miles an hour chasing someone through red lights and traffic? Have you ever wondered what it was like when he so badly wanted to blow that guy away for hurting Izzy? Or how it feels to have you and the girls flash in front of his eyes when he thinks he's about to die? I know it's hard, and I know times have been tough and that losing Jerry scared you even more, but can you honestly tell me that you don't love him, that you would rather kill him slowly than spend whatever time you have left with him as a family, being happy?"

Sam's words had Zoe in tears, his hard hitting edge pushing her a little too far over her comfort zone.

"You know, I get it, I really do, but he doesn't deserve this. He deserves to keep loving you with you in reach, and even after all this, he still loves you. Don't let go of it because you may never get it back once it's gone, and trust me when I say you'd rather live with a little hurt and worry than live with a lot of hurt and too many regrets".

Sam's eyes widened at his own words, hearing them and thinking them seemed to be worlds apart.

"Are we still talking about me and Oliver? Or is this about you?" Zoe was sharp and witty, and she hardly ever missed anything.

"That's why I'm here Zoe, don't do this to yourself or him. You both deserve so much more".

"That's funny Sam, coming from you. You let her go, and then you let her walk away, and even after all the crap that followed after she left, you still believe that people can make it work".

"Zoe, this isn't about me okay, this is about me watching Oliver disappear. I can't help him here, only you can. He's losing himself, and I don't think there will be a way back for him soon. Please just talk to him?"

Sam wasn't above pleading on this. He'd seen Oliver spending way too many off shifts at the Penny, drowning his sorrows and living on a hangover; especially in their line of work, it was a dangerous thing. Oliver lost his spark and seemed to stop caring. He was following in Sam's footsteps and taking risks, becoming a loose cannon.

"Sam, Oliver wouldn't..."

Sam stood up and took Zoe's hand. If she didn't believe him, then he'd show her.

He tugged her to the door and waved a hand around, signaling that she should grab her keys and phone, before he pulled her out the door.

He drove them to the Penny in silence, wondering if he was doing the right thing. A short time later, he pulled into the parking lot and cut the engine.

He climbed out and waited for Zoe to follow him to the door of the Penny. He pushed it open just enough for them to slip through, before moving out of Zoe's way so that she could see Oliver.

The sight made her gasp as her hand flew up to her mouth, her eyes glistening all over again.

"Is this what you want to do to him? How you want him to be?" Sam's tone was ice cold as they set eyes on Oliver. His head rested on his arm atop the bar, with his beer still firmly clutched in his hand.

"This is all he does, and I'm not saying it's your fault, but it's killing him. I've tried to help him, but he won't listen. He doesn't need me Zoe, he needs you, and he needs the girls".

Sam had spent the last four months watching Oliver fade away while he tried to fight his divorce. He had called Zoe and gone to see her, but she remained adamant on her decision. It was taking its toll on their kids and even resulted in Izzy Shaw showing up at his door at 11 P.M. one night, after a fight with her mother.

Izzy had grown up since her bad experience and even had her hair back to its natural brown, but her parents' destructive relationship was making her life miserable.

"Will you take him home?" Zoe asked, her eyes still focused on Oliver passed out at the bar.

Sam nodded and stepped forwards, Zoe's hand reaching out to stop him. "To our house?"

Sam couldn't help the smile that made its way over his lips; those words just sounded so good.

After giving Zoe Oliver's car keys, Sam helped Oliver find his feet and took him home, tucking him in bed in the spare room before leaving.

Oliver and Zoe had a long way to go, but maybe now that they had a push in the right direction, they might actually get there.

On the drive home, his thoughts turned back to Andy. He really had no idea what he was doing or what he was supposed to do, even though he knew what he wanted to do - he just didn't think that it would go over too well with her right now.

He'd spent the last six months trying to escape the memory of her and his own stupidity, when he should have been thinking straight. Life had been hard when she left; he got arrested and suspended, and he even got some new ink - not his idea of coping well.

Noelle's words had chilled him to the bone. She was so mad; she probably wouldn't have said them otherwise, but she did, and it seemed to snap him out of it.

She was the one that arrested him and forced him in to the back of a squad car, her hand banging his head against the doorframe as she shoved him in.

When she yelled, _"You think she'll want this when she comes back and tries to fix things?"_, he thought about what she said. Andy would come home, and maybe she'd be ready to fix things, but finding him like that, so out of control, would have probably repulsed her.

So he cleaned up his act and met Frank on his terms to get off suspension - taking the detective's exam and promotion to that rotation.

When he arrived home, his thoughts shifted back to Oliver and Zoe. The love they had for each other was something he had never seen before, and something like that, deserved every fighting chance it could get. He was sure that his feelings towards Andy were in the same caliber; he just didn't quite know how to handle them.

Seeing her just standing there in the diner threw him for a loop, totally catching him off guard, and turning him into a selfish asshole. When she was around, he couldn't focus, he couldn't breathe, so instead he opted to walk away.

When she showed up at the gym, the smell of her perfume alerted him to her presence, making him feel the anger again, as it ran through his veins and set him on fire.

Anger at himself, for so many things, like letting her go, letting her walk away, promising to never give up without a fight and doing exactly the opposite of that.

He was the perfect example of why men should never be trusted.

He didn't trust himself to go anywhere near her without ending up hurting her again, so he chose to stay away. He made the conscious decision to avoid her at all costs - to protect her.

Because he knew that once he got close to her, there was no way he was letting go, no way he was walking away, and no way he would let himself do it all over again.

And how was he supposed to explain that to her, after putting her through the ringer?

She probably didn't want anything to do with him after what he did to her; so if the universe did not conspire against him, he had the perfect plan.

Stay away at all costs, wouldn't be that hard, right?

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	3. My Kind Of Drug

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**Chapter 3- My Kind Of Drug. **

Andy spent her week of mandatory leave enjoying time with her dad, cleaning out her condo and washing every item of material that had accumulated dust and smelled musty.

She refused to let Sam get to her, so she forced herself to keep him out of her system by staying busy.

She had a pizza and movie night with Leo, as promised, and couldn't help but wonder how she had ever coped without him for six months; his energy and spark was so infectious that it set her alight.

She had a few dinners and lunches with her dad, who was doing so well; she wondered what had changed his mind about remaining sober. When she asked, he had smiled a sad smile and simply said "When someone you know stands in your shoes and asks for a hand you kinda see things differently" - whatever that meant.

By the end of her week off, Traci had invited her for drinks at the Penny with Dov, Nick, and Gail, who seemed to be getting along a lot better, now that Nick had told Gail how he felt. He shared the information with Andy and tried to push her into seeking Sam out, but it backfired when they ended up too drunk to leave Andy's condo. Of course, her promise of tomorrow was just big talk, fueled on by copious amounts of tequila; she really just wasn't that brave when it came to admitting her feelings.

She later took Traci up on her offer to pick her up at seven thirty - her need to get out making her mind up for her.

Saturday nights at the Penny were usually fun, the laughs and hangovers from that place would always be good memories burned into her brain.

They sat at their usual table, drinking beer, and it felt just like old times. Only now, Chris was missing and Nick was here. Despite Chris's absence, it still felt good; this is what home felt like.

Somewhere on the second beer, the door opened, and Sam walked in. His eyes were firmly fixed on the ground, even though Andy knew he could feel her watching him.

After a few steps, he looked up straight at Andy and stopped, just as she expected. What she didn't expect was for him to keep walking and actually sit down and order a drink, like he was defying her stare, seeing it as a challenge; lately, he just had just looked down and walked away.

"Stop staring!" Traci whispered, as she nudged Andy with her elbow, playfully, but her words held a warning.

"I think I'm gonna go".

"No, you're going to sit here, drink that beer, and have a good time". Traci had her hand on Andy's arm, just like she had at the diner - stopping her once again.

"I can't do this Trace".

"Yes, you can. Now, let's get drunk. Dov, stop drinking; you're driving me and Andy home". Traci said, sliding her keys across the table.

Andy thought over Traci's words. Maybe if Traci had enough to drink, she would unknowingly hint to what she seemed to be hiding from Andy.

"Think you can keep up?" Andy asked her teasingly. Her challenge was met with a monstrous giggle from Traci. "Bring it on!" Traci sassed, before leaving to order tequila at the bar.

Sam watched Andy through the mirrors behind the bar, careful not to get caught staring or stalking her.

He could watch her for hours; watch her sleep, drink, eat - it didn't matter. He just couldn't help but find her mesmerizing.

He knew he was unable to cut her out of his life completely and immediately gave up trying when he saw her sitting at the table. They shared the same workplace, the same pub, and the same friends. Avoiding her completely would never work, so he opted on a spur of the moment decision to avoid her on personal levels.

He could do that, right?

Then why the hell was he staring at her in the mirror?

A few hours later, Dov cut them off and ordered them out to Traci's car, so he could take them home. He called a cab company and requested a cab to pick him up at Andy's address, since Traci was sleeping over. They left without a word goodbye or even finishing their drinks.

When they made it upstairs, Dov checked Andy's condo and left them giggling like school girls, as he pulled the door closed behind him.

He had really missed this - with Andy and Chris gone, they just didn't seem complete.

"So, can we maybe talk?" Andy questioned while they grabbed their wine and sat down in the lounge.

Traci nodded and waited. She knew this was coming because Andy seemed to be seeking some Dutch courage from the bar.

"Why did you stop me from going after Sam at the diner?"

"Andy, things have been tough on Sam. He just needs time to get used to the idea that you're back".

"What was so tough on him?"

Seriously? Traci made it sound like she left on a trip made up of moonlight and roses while Sam stayed behind and suffered.

Traci stared at her; apparently, nobody even gave her a clue.

"Andy when you left, Sam sort of lost it, like really badly. He started drinking and got arrested for a DUI, by Noelle. Frank suspended him but let him off the suspension because he agreed to take the detectives test and move to that rotation".

"We were all on shift when Noelle arrested him, so he had to find someone else to call because he obviously couldn't call one of us, so he um...he called your dad, who came down to get him. But from then on, he just changed. He became quiet and more focused, but he's still not the same. Oliver's getting divorced, so Sam's been trying to be a good friend, but that is not working that well at the moment either".

Andy froze, like the world had stopped spinning and time stood still. "He called my dad, to bail him out of a DUI?" Andy shrieked; she was mad, fuming even.

She slammed her wine glass down and stood up, pacing the small area between the couch and the coffee table.

"Andy, it wasn't like that. He called your dad because he needed someone, not because he needed a drinking buddy. They've been hanging out. Once or twice when your dad felt like he needed someone, he called Sam, and Sam dropped everything to spend time with your dad, until he felt okay to be on his own again".

"What? How...does that even work?" Andy ran her hand through her hair in annoyance, before sitting back down next to Traci and letting out a long sigh.

"We all need someone to lean on in life. Your dad was just the person Sam needed then, so don't be mad at them, okay?"

She was right, and Andy was thankful that Sam had returned the favor by being there for her dad, but it didn't mean all was forgiven.

"Okay, I've had enough. I'm going to bed". Traci held her hands up in surrender, before standing up and retreating into Andy's bedroom.

Andy grabbed her phone out of her pocket and tried to make her eyes focus on the screen while she started typing out a text.

_'Thanks for being there for my dad'._ She hit send before she second guessed her decision. She then followed in Traci's footsteps, seeking some much needed sleep.

Monday came too quickly. Andy spent most of Sunday sleeping off her hangover and getting everything ready for going back to work the next day.

She had half expected a reply from Sam, or at least an acknowledgment of her attempt to make peace, but it never came. It left her feeling a little worse than she had before she sent the text and tried to bridge the gap between them.

Arriving at the barn, she changed into her uniform and headed to parade, arm in arm with Gail, who seemed lost on a sugar high or something. Her unusually good mood made Andy smile, as they took their seats and waited for Frank to start parade.

She and Nick were warmly welcomed back, a huge amount of praise being given to them; their efforts were rewarded for a job well done.

The whole way through parade, Andy shifted around in her seat, Sam's heated gaze burning a hole in the back of her head.

He had come sneaking in after Frank started. When Frank was done with parade and dismissed them, her gaze flew up to the back of the room to find him already gone.

It was driving her insane.

Shift passed uneventfully, patrolling alone had its benefits.

That's how the following few days passed by - get up, go to work, watch Sam avoid her, and go home. She didn't even get a nod when she walked by him in the hallway; instead, he'd look intently absorbed in observing the ground. Or when she would run into him at the coffee station, he'd speedily finish his coffee and move out of her way. She'd watch him stare into the cup and let his vision drown in the black liquid.

And that was just how life went.

For weeks.

One night at the Penny, Andy arrived late, after dropping by her dad's. She walked in to discover an already eventful Friday night in full swing.

Dov, Traci, Nick, and Gail all occupied their table; Andy joining them to an already waiting drink.

It was Nick's birthday. Celebrations were in full swing when she arrived. Before she leaned in and gave him a hug, she noticed he had the happiest smile on his face.

"Guess what Gail gave me?" He whispered while she was still close.

"What?"

"A chance to make it right. So when are you going after yours?"

Andy couldn't help but look over Nick's shoulder at Sam, who seemed to be looking around the room.

"Never, he's over that idea". Andy whispered when she pulled away. Nick's smile faded as he looked at her.

"You're wrong, Andy. He still watches you, and trust me, it's still there".

Andy moved over to Traci and gave her a hug, leaning over the back of her chair as they all began a chorus of 'Happy Birthday' to Nick, who turned fifty different shades of embarrassed.

Sam heard the echo of their voices from across the bar and deducted that it was Collins's birthday from the obvious 'Nick' in the middle of the song. He didn't know about the occasion because they had been off shift today.

He had seen Andy come in later than everyone else, and she nearly caught him staring at her in the mirror. When Collins had whispered something in her ear, she suddenly looked up in his direction.

He ordered a round of tequilas for their table and asked Liam to send it over, but found a loophole in his plan when Liam said the waitress was out sick, so he'd have to take it over himself.

With the drinks poured, Sam grabbed the tray and turned around. He was making his way to the table when someone collided with him.

Andy tried to move out of Traci's embrace, deciding that they needed a round of Jack Daniels on this occasion. But Traci kept hold of her arm, until she suddenly let go, just as a guy came staggering past and walked into Andy when she moved.

She stumbled backwards, before colliding with another body. Sudden wetness ran down her back, as whoever it was doused her with their drink.

Andy pinched her eyes closed to shut out everyone's stares. She heard the tray clatter to the floor and glass smash as it hit the hard surface of the tiles. A warm hand then reached out of nowhere to steady her.

Andy didn't need to turn around to see who she had bumped into; she knew just from his touch and his scent who it was.

Stepping forward, careful not to step on the tray and shattered glass, Andy moved away from his grip, his hand slipping off her waist as she put space between them.

The guy that knocked into her began mumbling a frigid excuse before he walked away, probably from seeing Sam glare at him over her shoulder.

"I am so sorry". Andy sputtered out as she turned to face Sam, who actually had an amused look on his face.

"I did not mean for that to happen". Andy was looking everywhere but at Sam, as she kept stepping back, a light red tint forming on her cheeks.

"I know, don't worry about it". Sam also moved away and saw a new tray waiting when he reached the bar.

Andy found the whole moment hysterical. As soon as she sat down next to Traci, she burst out into a fit of giggles. The rest of the table joined in, just as Sam set the tray down between Nick and Andy, both leaning away to make room for him to fit between them.

"Saving some for later?" Traci whispered in her ear between giggles, as she eyed Andy's wet back.

"Something like that".

She found it surprisingly easy to talk to Sam in that moment, letting her guard down long enough to let herself go. She let go of all her hard feelings towards him in that single moment and seeing him actually smile made it worth it.

"Can I borrow your car? I'm gonna need to run home and get out of these clothes."

Traci handed her keys over and Andy grabbed her bag off the back of her chair, as she slid out of her seat and headed for the door.

Looking up in Sam's direction, she found him back in his seat at the bar, watching her through the mirror. He had a timid smile on his face, realizing he was busted.

She let a smile flash over her own lips in his direction just as her hand reached the door, although his smile seemed to fade as he watched her leave.

She felt really good as she left the Penny, having crossed onto some new ground - a feeling of bliss. Though his smile didn't quite seem to light up his eyes and started to fade when she reached the door, she was convinced they were finally getting somewhere.

Sam continued to watch her leave, even though she had caught him staring at her. He was lost in studying her smile and seeing that red hue return to her skin was simply euphoric. It was like her blush was some kind of drug to him; the more he saw it, the more he craved it again and again.

When his brain kicked in and he realized that she was leaving, he felt his own smile somewhat slip as she reached the door, knowing he was probably the reason for her departure.

"She'll be back". Nash's voice was suddenly close to him.

"She just went home to change". Traci sat down in the chair next to him, her fingers fiddling with the label on her beer bottle.

"So, this is how things are going to be with you two?" That made Sam look at her, really look at her, like he was trying to decipher her words.

"And how is it supposed to be otherwise?" His tone was dry and rigid, as if he was expecting some kind of comeback that he did not want to hear.

"Not like this, Sam. But she's not going to make the first move, trust me". With that, Nash left him alone at the bar, lost in his own thoughts.

What the hell did she mean by 'she won't make the first move?' Was she hinting that he should?

Right, like that was ever going to happen.

Andy came back about half an hour later, dressed in fresh clothes. A small smile adorned her lips again, as she passed Sam and resumed her seat at the table.

He watched her for a few more minutes, getting his McNally fix, before leaving some notes on the bar and slipping out the door.

He needed time to think…time to think over Nash's words….time to think over what his heart ached for him to do - and his mind screamed he shouldn't.

Even though he had decided to avoid her, he no longer held that thought as making the right choice.

In fact, he didn't even know what he was doing anymore.

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	4. Reality

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**Chapter 4- Reality. **

Life seemed to evolve from that moment in time, their avoiding each other phase slipping into secret smiles and wistful glances whenever they passed each other.

Sam would make a space next to himself at the coffee stand so Andy could squeeze in next to him. He'd pass her the sugar and retreat with a smile. In the hallways, he'd hold the door open for her or step aside so that she could pass. But he still kept her at a distance.

Life was easier as days turned to weeks, Andy having been back a little over two months, yet no where near any closer to figuring Sam or herself out.

Parade as usual was uneventful this morning, until Frank called McNally, Peck, Williams, Shaw and three new rookies to stay behind when the others were dismissed.

The new rookies had been around a while, but they mostly kept to themselves and did as the job required. However, they were a short fall from the batch that Nash and Andy were in.

Sam left the room, intending on an early start to some heavy cases if his day went as planned.

An hour later a knock on his door made him look up to see Oliver loitering around the door.

"Brother, aren't you late for patrol?". Sam made an attempt to lighten the mood, because judging by Oliver's face, it was not a good start to the morning.

"Can you do me a favor? Zoe asked me to come over for dinner tonight, and I just got assigned surveillance on the John sweep tonight. Will you trade?".

Okay, so Oliver just jumped right in there, and asked.

"You have a date?". Sam couldn't hide his enthusiasm at that statement, he knew Zoe had put their divorce on hold, but he didn't know that things were going_ that_ well.

Oliver nodded, his face lighting up at the prospects that lay ahead.

"Okay, just clear it with Frank and make sure the rooks are prepped by the time they leave?".

"Sure, and Sammy, thanks". Oliver floated out of his office looking like he won the lottery, something that made Sam's insides glow.

Andy wondered how she let herself get talked into this. She was terrible at the first attempt, but here she was trying to fake a second attempt.

Frank had the John sweep tonight; but some of the girls that worked the park had been complaining that their bags were being snatched and that one or two of them had been attacked and hurt by the guy that did it, and these girls were some of fifteen's best informants, so their complaints were kept off the books. The rookies were warned, as well as Andy and Gail who would be playing dress up with them just to keep an eye on them.

Oliver and Noelle were assigned surveillance, so Andy was sure they'd be okay.

But the short skirt and heels were just way out of her comfort zone.

She had picked a nice area near the park bench, a little under the street light that lit up this section of the park, as her destination of choice.

She, as instructed had her bag with her, and found herself wondering about the normal contents of a hooker's bag. Hers comprised of five pairs of handcuffs, gum, lip gloss, her phone and a can of pepper spray, and the transmitter for her mic and earpiece.

She was just doing what she was supposed to and hanging around when Traci's voice suddenly filled her ear, just as a teenager came passed with the ugliest dog she had ever seen.

"Looking_ hot _there McNally". Andy had to suppress her laughter and wasn't sure if it was at the dog or Traci's words.

"You doing overtime?". She questioned as soon as the kid was out of earshot.

"Nope, replacement shift".

"Oh".

"Sam says hi". Traci just couldn't resist, she had the headset on, so whatever Andy said, Sam couldn't hear, but if she held the button down to their mic, Andy would hear Sam.

As soon as Traci stopped talking, Andy heard Sam growl something out, making her eyes shoot over to the van she assumed was the surveillance van.

"I bet he did". Andy said, her eyes scanning for the other rookies and Gail.

"Yeah, he really did... say hi". Traci handed a scowling Sam the headset and swung the mic around to face him. .

"What? I already told you she won't... so time you grow a pair?".

Wow, her jagged edge took him by surprise, as he reached out and took the headset.

"Funny Trace, you don't think I'd believe he said hi right?".

Three seconds later Sam's voice came through her earpiece making her curse Traci with everything she had in her. "And if I did, say hi?".

Crap, she didn't know he was listening.

"Okay, hi".

Sam heard the smile in her voice, he didn't need to see her to know that it was there.

Well he couldn't anyway.

"You guys know the rules, check in every time we radio out. If you get suspicious radio it in. No heroics, and remember you're not armed". Sam rattled off the rules, knowing full well that everyone on this sting could hear them.

"Okay Swarek, ooohhh wait I've got some ass". Gail suddenly babbled over the earpiece.

They spent three hours watching the park and doing regular radio checks, but with no serious takers the John sweep was turning into a failure.

Peck, Nash and Andy were making small talk over the radios at boring intervals, Sam's mind remembering the last time she was dressed up for this.

He briefly wondered what she was wearing, he hadn't seen her, Nash brought the van down here.

"I've got a kid watching me. Late teens. African American, baseball cap". Andy suddenly blurted.

"Hey Sweetcakes". A male voice suddenly sounded close to Andy.

"Anyone got eyes on McNally?". Sam called through the radio, hearing a chorus of _No's _follow when suddenly it sounded like shuffling and gurgling on the other end.

"Saaaammmm". Andy let out a blood chilling scream, sparking Sam out of the surveillance van before Traci could blink.

"Andy's in trouble, find her!". Traci yelled into the radio before following Sam, who was already out of sight.

The noises coming into his earpieces made Sam feel sick to his stomach, he could hear Andy gasping for air, and it really sounded like she was being choked.

"Got her, near the park bench". Peck yelled just as Sam rounded the bushes to see a guy sitting on top of Andy trying to choke her while she was fighting back with everything she had in her.

She managed to throw him off and tried to find her feet as her assailant turned around and elbowed her in the face just as Gail yelled out "Police freeze" as she came barreling towards them, sparking the kid to still reach out for Andy's bag and make a run for it.

Sam watched as the three other rookies came running towards them from different directions before turning to see Andy fall backwards, her hands grasping her face as her legs seemed to give out under her.

"Peck check McNally" Sam said before sprinting off after the kid who didn't get very far before Sam slammed him into the ground, really hard.

He didn't have a choice, he was the only one here that was armed, and this guy didn't look like he played nicely because you were a girl.

The kid was fighting hard to break free of Sam's grip on him, kicking and throwing punches, making Sam even more pissed off than he was. So he retaliated, probably a little too harshly, as he smacked the kid back.

"Sam, enough". Nash said forcefully, just as Sam was about to give him a repeat performance.

Sam let go of the kid who rolled over and put his hands up seeing Traci pointing her gun at him.

"Now I'm the girl with a gun, so try that with me and _I will_ hurt you". Traci said throwing some cuffs at Sam.

"Guys, I need some help over here Andy's still down". Gail called just as Sam cuffed the kid, making him look at Traci like he was about the panic.

"Go, I've got the trash". Traci said, holstering her gun and grabbing the kids arm roughly.

Sam ran back over to where he left Andy with Gail and the three rookies. He found Andy still laying down and Gail hovering over her.

"She just blacked out, and her nose is bleeding badly, I can't get her to wake up". Gail tried to sound calm as she looked up at Sam.

"Was she talking?".

Sam knelt down next to Gail, his hand seeking out Andy's pulse, a sigh of relief sweeping out of him when he found it strong and steady.

"Yup, she said she felt dizzy and wanted to throw up and then she just blacked out".

"Radio for a bus". Sam turned to Gail as he spoke, who took off running towards the van.

"You get the first aid kit from Peck, and you two go with Nash and keep that piece of garbage away from me before I kill him". Sam turned to the rookies and barked out orders just as Nash came passed with the kid.

They all scattered, as Sam rolled Andy on to her side and took off his jacket, throwing it over her legs to cover her bare flesh.

The rookie that he had sent to fetch the first aid kit came back carrying two more jackets and what looked like it used to be Nash's shirt and handed it to him.

Throwing the jackets over Andy, Sam held Nash's shirt to her face and watched it soak up the blood pouring from her nose and face as Peck came back with a flashlight and radio.

"Is she going to be okay?". The rookie's voice did not hide the fear she held at watching Andy laying unconscious on the grass.

"Yeah sure, you don't know McNally". Peck said as she bent back down, opened the first aid kit to take out cotton swabs and handed them to Sam who discarded Nash's shirt, and replaced it with the white cotton that turned crimson. Peck opened the smelling salts and waived them under Andy's nose as soon as Sam took his hand away long enough for her to get it close to her nose.

Suddenly, Andy rolled over and started hitting Sam. He who dropped the cotton swab and reached for her wrists and held on to them tightly enough to stop the blows.

"Andy, you're okay". Sam said just as she let out a muffled whimper, Gail reaching out to wipe at her face as she leaned in.

"Andy, look at me, you're okay, he's gone". Andy's eyes snapped open, her pupils trying to focus on Gail, her attempts at fighting Sam off waning until she stopped struggling.

"I'm going to let you go, but you need to stay down okay". He hoped that the soft tone in his voice would ward off her stubbornness.

But of course she wouldn't listen.

As soon as his hands released her, she tried to sit up, one hand finding the grass, the other coming up to her face as she groaned.

Sam put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her back down, growling out a _'stay down'_ and giving her a look that told her he meant it.

"I'm fine". She mumbled out between grinding teeth, her face in obvious pain from the movement of talking.

"Where's he?". She said looking around, Sam and Gail's face coming in to a little more focus.

"Sam took him down, he's gone. Just stay there, the bus is on its way".

"I'm okay". Andy tried to sit up again, Sam's hand pressing her back down before he just yelled "Stay down" at her, taking everyone by surprise, even himself. But she was just so damned stubborn.

Andy seemed to still at his harsh words, her hand blindly swiping at his still on her shoulder as she signaled that she wanted to roll over.

Her mind suddenly jumped to the fact that she had a really short skirt on and was currently laying down on the ground, her hand nearly knocking into Sam as it flew down in a bid to pull down a possibly high riding skirt.

Sam grabbed her hand when he realized what she wanted to do, before squeezing it and saying "You're covered", before letting her hand go involuntary.

A few minutes later the medics arrived and gave Andy the once over before deciding to take her in when they heard she blacked out.

Despite her protests, they rolled her on to a stretcher and loaded her in to the back of the ambulance with Peck getting in after her without even asking.

Sam watched them close the doors and drive off, Nash talking to the three rookies that still seemed a little shocked.

"I'm going to catch a ride back to the barn with a squad, and head over to see Andy. Thanks for having her back Sam". Nash walked over to him, said the few words and left, the rookies following her in silence.

Sam dropped the van back at the barn, and left a message for Callaghan that he would need to take statements in the morning before he made his way to his truck.

He had spent ten minutes in the men's locker watching Andy's blood run down the drain of the sink when he stuck his hands under the hot water.

His mind flashed back to when he did the same with Jerry's blood, only now it seemed worse because every feeling he had ever felt for Andy came bubbling to the surface and made him remember why he had told her he couldn't be a cop and be with her.

This was why.

This was why he had been studying for the detectives exam back then already, although his way of telling her went to hell the second he opened his mouth.

Driving on autopilot, he found himself at the hospital without even having made a conscious decision to go check on her. In the back of his mind, he knew he would, he just needed to know she was okay.

He found Nash in the waiting room looking really tired, and concerned.

"I was beginning to think you wouldn't show" she said as Sam sat down in the empty chair next to her.

"She okay?".

He didn't want to make conversation, he just needed to know that she was okay.

"Yeah, doctors giving her five stitches in her nose and they'll keep her over night for observation, but she's okay. He thinks she blacked out because the blow was over her pain threshold, and because...".

Crap, she cut her words off realizing she said too much.

"Because?".

"She um...he tried to strangle her so she lost oxygen, and then the adrenaline started to wear off because she was losing blood and she just lost consciousness".

Traci watched Sam's face contort to the scariest look she had ever seen cross his face, his jaw clenching and teeth grinding together.

"Sam, she's okay. And she's ready".

"What?". He wasn't even following Nash, his anger flaring to rage as he heard what she said.

"You need to do something Sam, she won't wait forever. She's ready for you to do something, and I have no idea what, but something's got to give- and that something is you".

Sam stared vacantly at Nash.

He had no idea what to say or do, but doing _something_, that so wasn't going to happen.

"No...I...". He stood up abruptly and just walked away.

He felt like h had broken every promise that he had ever made to Andy, and when he made the one to himself that he would never hurt her again, he meant it; and even if it meant staying away from her, it was a promise he intended on keeping.

****** Thanks for reading!**

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	5. Quitting

**As always thank you all for the awesome reviews! For this, Sin & halo, you guys are all awesome! **

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**Chapter 5- Quiting. **

Sam spent hours staring into the darkness when he got home.

He was mad at Andy for not calling out to him earlier; although he couldn't see where she would have, it all happened so fast.

He wanted to go back to the barn and do some serious damage to the kid, teach him what it felt like to not be the tough guy anymore.

He was mad at himself too, for letting her slowly creep back into his life. And even though he was fully aware that he was allowing her to do it, wanted her to do it, he knew that no good would come of letting her back in. Even if he was breaking his promise to himself.

Andy spent the night watching TV, her face on fire when the anesthetic wore off. She had brushed her teeth close to seven or eight times after Traci brought her stuff by, but the metallic taste of blood seemed to linger on her tongue.

She had hoped that Sam would swing by, but that idea left her mind as suddenly as she thought it.

Of course he wouldn't come anywhere near her or the hospital now. Why should he?

They weren't even in a class that could be labeled friends, and he was probably annoyed that she had attracted trouble and made a mountain of paperwork for him, as senior officer on the sting, he'd have piles of forms to fill out.

Closing her eyes, she stared at the back of her eyelids and let out a winged breath. How was it even possible for one person to screw up so many times in one lifetime?

Andy was discharged the next day, Traci arriving promptly to take her home.

She had a week off to nurse her broken nose and had to stop at the barn on the way home to give Luke her statement after he stopped by this morning to enlighten her to that fact.

Sam saw her come into the barn, a white shimmer catching the light as he saw her look up at him.

In that split second he wished he had taken the day off and stayed at home with his brooding mood.

She looked like crap.

She had purple bruising around her eyes and her top lip looked like it had split open. He couldn't see much of her nose under the tape they had over it, but even from where he was standing, he could see it was swollen.

Purple bruises peeked out under the collar of her shirt. As she lifted her hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, he caught a glimpse of the red welt on the side, before she lowered her arm and gazed at the floor.

When she glanced back up; Sam was gone, disappearing from right under her eyes even though she looked away and blinked once before seeking him out again.

The next few days passed with no contact with Sam, but of course he wouldn't just show up at her door while she was home for the week.

When she returned to work, she was back on the morning rotation, Sam still a vivid memory as he seemed to have perfect timing at being invisible.

In the days that followed, she let her ideas of creeping closer slip away and dissolve as it became clear that he did not want that to happen.

Traci tried to cheer her up, but her smile was hard to find as she battled with accepting the fact that things were really over between them.

Eleven days after she was attacked in the park, she had the night shift and patrolled with Jones, one of the new rookies. They responded to a call about a body found in a dumpster, by the bell boy taking out the garbage of a popular restaurant.

They arrived on scene and called for a detective, taped off the area and began taking statements.

Sam arrived a while later, walking straight past Andy and up to the dumpster.

During the next ten minutes, he directed all his questions to Jones, dismissing Andy like she was an insignificant aspect in his investigation-his eyes not once looking in her direction.

The world was not a happy place for him right now, as he deliberately tried to shut her out completely.

But that was failing miserably, and he knew it.

His dreams were of her smiles and laughter, his nightmares of her blowing up with the grenade and being strangled to death and abandoned in a park.

Morning coffee smells made him remember each and every time he had made her a cup. The traffic on the way to work had him recalling their conversation in the cruiser and her declaration of love spilled out in the interior of a car.

Everything reminded him of her and how dangerously close he came to letting her all the way in. It was a rude wakeup call to remember her blood wrapped around his fingers. The fear of loosing her making him strongly reinforce his decision to stay away, every time he thought about her.

Until today.

Being called out to the crime scene she was in charge of was not how he planned his shift to go, but once again, something had to prove that he was not in control of his own life.

He watched Andy's face cloud over in a little hurt when he walked straight passed her and questioned her rookie. He saw her look around as he asked the rookie what they had done and who they had spoken to since arriving.

He peered into the dumpster and looked back in search of Andy, seeking a way to whisper a wordless apology for being an idiot again, but she was gone.

He caught a flash of her as she drove away in her cruiser, leaving her rookie here with him while she went back to the barn; or back on patrol.

Sam cursed himself for his bad ass act, when his insides where way beyond splintered and cracked.

Andy returned to the barn and tackled her paperwork.

She had probably made a bad career move by dumping her rookie on Sam at an active crime scene but she was past caring anymore.

What was the point of hanging around when she was just in the way?

"You're back early". Dov said sitting down on the edge of her table, his happy face in full show.

"Yup, slow night". She muttered tossing her pen down on the page she had been filling in.

"So rumor has it, Callaghan's got another task force coming up soon... you going to disappear on us again soon?". Dov was serious as he asked Andy, his face holding genuine concern that she would be gone again soon.

"Nope, but if you go missing, I'll know where you went" Andy tried to add some humor to her voice but it wasn't as good as she hoped.

"Like I would ever be that lucky". Dov said slipping off the edge of her table and chuckling to himself as he walked away.

She swung her chair around a little, her eyes flowing over the barn as her mind pondered serious thoughts.

Luke's task force had been a learning curve, and it had solidified her career; it proved that she had what it took to do this job.

What did she have here?

She had her dad; but he was okay, better than okay. He was himself for the first time since she was a teenager.

She had Traci and Leo, but they didn't need her or depend on her to live life, same as for Gail, Nick and Dov. They were key parts of her life, but they didn't need her to survive.

Sam wasn't even a factor in her life anymore, and had no intention of becoming one soon either- that much was clear.

So maybe this new little bit of info was something she could use.

Leaning back she looked into Luke's office, his head sticking out over the top of his computer screen.

Without thinking, she was out of her chair and knocking on his door, a warm smile on his lips when he looked up to find her standing nervously in the doorway.

"Got a minute?". She asked walking in as Luke nodded and leaned back in his chair; his undivided attention focused on her.

"So I hear that you're recruiting". She stated the fact so that he would know that she knew it. She wasn't asking.

Luke nodded, seeing no point in hiding it when she obviously knew.

"I want it". Andy suddenly said making Luke blink rapidly as though his eye lashes would erase the words.

Luke let out a dry snort before looking her in the eye and giving her an answer on the spot.

Sam wrapped up at the scene and sent Andy's rookie with Noelle to give the death notification to the guys family.

He had two bullets in his back, so Sam figured that things were about to get busy, a good way to keep his mind from going to war with his heart.

Sam had spent time with Oliver over the last few days and learned that things were getting better with Zoe. Oliver was giving up his rented apartment to move home at the end of the month, although he was already sleeping under the same roof as his family, just in the spare room.

Oliver had thanked Sam and told him that Zoe had ratted him out because she wanted him to know what kind of friends he really had when she told him to stop drinking altogether or their chance of patching things up was zero.

Oliver also asked Sam if he was blind and stupid or just one of them because things with Andy had not improved at all.

Sam was not really shocked by Oliver's question, he had been rooting for them to get it together since the beginning, and gave Sam a speech with choice words when he learned about their breakup.

Now, Oliver had pity in his eyes when he asked Sam what was holding him back.

"Her, she is". Was Sam's very intelligent answer.

"So, McNally is keeping you from...McNally?". Oliver was shaking his head as the words came out, confusion all over his face.

"Sammy, she's not going to wait around forever. She's waited just as long as you have to get here, but you broke your promises to her, not the other way around. Fine, she left, but you pushed her away, so it's time to fix it". Oliver looked hopeful as he tried to persuade Sam to at least try.

But Sam remained still, his eyes focused on Oliver's locker door.

"Remember the night we played poker at Jerry's house? And he said that woman like Nash, Zoe and McNally don't come around often?".

Oliver sifted through his memory banks until he found the right one before nodding and waiting for Sam to continue.

"Remember that he said you took your chance and he was planning on taking his, and that I should think about taking mine someday soon too? Remember my answer to that Ollie, and you'll know exactly why I can't". Sam slapped Oliver on the shoulder before leaving him to his own devices alone in the locker room.

Oliver stood shaking his head; Sam's answer that night had been a bit of a shock, but it was also the reason Sam was making a mistake. It was the reason that he should be chasing McNally until she gave up running and gave up fighting it, it was the reason that she should give in.

The same reason Sam should, although he got why Sam didn't want to.

Back in Luke's Office, Andy gave him a hardened glare, her eyes flashing away before slipping back.

"I get what you're doing and you did really good on Dakota, but no. I'm sorry Andy, it's not going to happen".

"Why not Luke? I've proved I can handle this".

"It's not that trust me, you don't want this. It's a minimum of five years and there are no reinforcements if things get bad, no way out. You don't want this. Let this one go". Luke seemed convinced when he said no. He really didn't want her to take this UC.

"You need to stop running".

Luke's words hit a nerve, her face scruncing up as she looked around the room.

"I'm not". She managed to get out feebly.

"If this is about Swarek, it's the wrong decision...you've got too much to loose by taking this".

Andy's gaze whirled around to settle on Luke. Was it that obvious?

"It's not about him. This is about me. I loved every minute of Dakota, and even you said we did good. I got to do what I want to do, just without the uniform, so if you have a spot...just think about it?".

Her voice held determination as she tried to argue her case, the more she thought about it, the more she wanted this.

Luke tried to let her down easy, but it wasn't going the way he planned.

He had been given the task of selecting candidates for this and he had already run his choice past Frank and had it approved.

Swarek would have been the ideal candidate for this UC, but Frank had shot him down on that idea, Swarek was just too valuable to Fifteen right now too let go; so they decided on Epstein.

Not his first choice, but the guy was a solid cop, and he had proved that he was willing to do what he needed to get the job done.

He was perfect because there were family ties holding him back. No wife and kids.

This UC would probably be one of the longest in their history books, with a minimum of five years expected to leave its mark on the soul of even the hardest cop.

This was the way that law enforcement was striking back, and it was definitely not an assignment for the feint hearted or the family person- or for someone that didn't have a strong stomach.

Whoever the lucky winner of this UC was, they would be cast away, hundreds of miles from home, alone with no backup...no way out... and no way home.

The thought was chilling, as he watched her plead her case to get in on this.

But he was adamant that she would not.

It wasn't for her, and she sure wasn't about to use his task force as a way of running away from her problems, yet again.

He had to admit that she had done a fine job working Dakota, but running away this time would only lead to a total disaster. He had seen how things had deteriorated between her and Swarek before she left, and he had even tried to push Swarek into getting his head screwed on straight.

He had been there when they had found Andy holding on to the grenade and he had seen Swarek's reaction, something that he hoped Andy would see too.

But when she came walking out and left the scene without Swarek he knew that something had been said or done that scared her so much that she ran the second he gave her the chance to -by letting her in on Dakota.

Since she had been back, he had taken note of Swarek's unwillingness to let her in, but just didn't understand it.

Now, he was faced with her wanting to run again, probably this time because she was giving up.

She was done waiting, done nursing a broken heart and done getting no where.

She was willing to completely give him up, and move on, something he never thought he would see.

And the saddest part about it was, he knew that deep down she didn't want to, and that Swarek wouldn't want her to either.

She was tired.

She was giving up, giving in, letting go or whatever it was called.

She was done, resigned and over the stage of waiting.

She was disappointed and there was nothing left to do or say.

Asking Luke for a spot on the new team he was building did not take courage, it had been easy. The anticipation of getting a 'yes' only dashed by the actual 'no' he gave her as well as the little speech that accompanied it about her running away.

Flopping down on her bed Andy considered her options; she weighed up the pros and cons and still came up with one answer.

There was just no point in doing this anymore.

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	6. Maybe Goodbye

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**Chapter 6- Maybe Goodbye. **

While cleaning up, Andy listened to the radio in the lounge; the soft tunes drifted through her condo, as her favorite station did its thirty minutes of uninterrupted hits.

The second song on the playlist started, the opening piano cords drawing her attention before a sweet voice sang along to its melody.

_She wrote, 'I feel just like that painting, collecting dust on the wall _

_And every day you walk right by me, and don't know I'm there at all _

_And I can't think of one single reason, why I should be hanging around'. _

The words stuck out and hit home as she suddenly found it impossible to tune out. The twang of a guitar starting to accompany the soft strains of the piano.

Andy stood up off the couch where she suddenly found herself unknowingly seated and switched the radio off. Waves of realization poured through her, she really didn't need to listen to something that summed her feeling up so well right now.

Standing in the engulfing silence, her mind swerved over to thoughts of Sam, and how wrong everything had gone between them, a feeling of despair cascading through her.

The sudden shrill of her phone jolted her from her deep thoughts; Luke's name flashing across the screen as she picked it up.

"Hi".

"Still want in?". Luke cut right to the chase, asking her the question that she hoped would find its way to her.

"Yes". Her voice was quivering as she answered, doubt seeping from the word she uttered.

Luke had a sudden 'in', so he asked Epstein if he wanted the spot and to his surprise Epstein declined.

He didn't give a reason or ask what he was turning down... he just said no straight off the bat.

So Luke ran Andy's name past Frank, who approved, hence the call now.

"Two hours to do what you need to and then I'll pick you up". Luke immediately hung up; he hoped that giving her time to think about it would make her change her mind, or lead to her saying her final goodbye's.

Andy put her phone in her pocket and went in search of her keys... one goodbye she couldn't leave without making, running through her mind.

She knocked on the door and found a huge smile on Traci's face when she swung it open.

"This is a surprise".

"Yup, I ... Was in the neighborhood". She knew Traci would see through it, but tried voicing the feeble excuse anyway.

"Rrriiiigggghhht". Traci said as Andy stepped inside.

After lingering around, Traci took Andy's nervousness in, and gained some insight. Her detective skills concluding to a sad fact.

"He gave it to you, didn't he". It was said, not asked. She knew just by looking at Andy that this was a goodbye.

"Trace..."

"No, Andy. Please _don't_ do this".

"I have to do this".

"Why? To get back at Sam? Or to satisfy yourself?".

"It's not like that. I'm tired of waiting Trace. Every day he walks right by me, and doesn't even know I'm there at all. And I can't think of one single reason, why I should hang around"

Traci stared at her, finding understanding in what Andy was saying.

She was done, giving up, resigning herself to the fact that she didn't think there was anything left between her and Sam.

"No, you_ can't_ do this Andy. I know it's hard right now, but it _will_ get better"

"When Trace? I can't do this anymore. Whatever used to be there is long gone"

"Stop. It's still there, trust me"

"He doesn't even look at me Traci..."

"Andy, do you know what he said to Jerry before he died?"

Andy shook her head; she had no idea.

"We kinda got into a fight. Jerry said that you were being too hard on Sam when it came to letting him in and trusting him. He thought you should give Sam a little more, like you were holding back. Anyway, I told him that it was unfair of him to say that considering what Homicide did- that Sam should give you a little more time. Jerry told me about a poker night they had at Oliver's house way back".

Traci had sad emotions across her face, memories of Jerry causing them although she seemed to be wearing a small smile.

"The guys asked Sam why he was holding back from going after you. Sam's answer was that he was scared. Scared that he wouldn't be enough. Scared that if it didn't work out, he'd lose you forever. Scared that you didn't feel the same way"

Traci watched as Andy's face softened as she listened. Her hard mask slipping slightly as it formed one of regret.

"Sam told Jerry that he had never been so in love with someone, and that he didn't know how to handle it. He told Jerry that you made him think about marriage and kids...and life. He wanted out of doing UC's because of you too, and that Brennan was supposed to be the last one. You guys weren't even an item back then. See what I'm saying here?"

Traci looked hopeful as she asked Andy the question.

"That's exactly what I'm saying Traci- _all that_- is gone. I'm not going to hang around and punish myself because he doesn't feel that way anymore".

"Andy, before Jerry died, Sam told him that he was ready to settle down, that he found the one person that he wanted to settle down with. The day we had the argument Jerry told me all about what Sam had said, and then you told me that he said he loves you. Do you really think that it would just go away? Jerry's gone Andy, and he's not coming back, but I still love him".

"_Loved_ Traci, Sam said he loves me back then, as in past tense. He hasn't said it since. He can't even be in the same room as me anymore".

Traci let out a sigh at watching Andy pace around the room; her mind refusing to let itself believe what she was hearing.

"Do you still love him?"

Traci's softly whispered question made Andy stop and look up at her, her face showing what her lips couldn't say.

"You guys have always had this intensity, this totally combustible thing between you. If you still feel it, then I know he does".

Andy really wanted to believe Traci, but her breaking heart had already shut itself off from being hurt anymore.

"Think about it. Just try, before you run off again?".

"I can't..."

"When?"

"Luke's picking me up in an hour" Andy's voice was really soft, her words not wanting to escape.

"What? Are you serious? Andy, if you run again, he won't be waiting when you come back- if you come back".

Traci knew about the UC. Detectives from different divisions had been asked to scrape some ideas together, so she figured it was Luke's new project.

"Please change your mind" Traci was pleading, her eyes becoming lifeless, dark orbs as she looked at Andy.

"I can't. I came to say goodbye. I...I've got to go. I love you Trace" Andy wrapped Traci up into a tight hug, her tears making their appearance as she stepped away.

Within seconds Andy closed the door behind her as she walked out.

Sam hated days like these.

Waking up with a hangover because he tried to drink his regrets away. Followed by her constant presence in his brain.

He knew he was delaying the inevitable- that he would have to face her soon and tell her the truth one day- the truth about how he still felt.

But he was holding back because he was scared that she had stopped feeling the way she used to about him.

She had changed since she came back from Dakota. There were subtle differences that he noticed with her, like how she still kept looking over her shoulder.

Then there was the overpowering lack of enthusiasm she had towards giving him any sign that she wanted to let him in.

When he broke up with her, she had made all attempts to contact him... now she just hung back, held him at arm's length.

And that made him think that maybe she left what she felt somewhere in the past.

His phone ringing jolted him from another Andy- induced haze, a common occurrence these days.

Seeing Nash's name across the screen made him wonder if something was wrong; she almost never called him.

"Hey" Sam answered the call.

"Sam, where are you?" She sounded panicked.

"At a crime scene in Harvard Park".

"Do you still love Andy?" Her question soared out, something he had never expected to hear from her lips, ever.

"I'm sorry, what?".

"It doesn't matter; you're probably the only one she'll listen to now".

Sam heard Nash shuffling around on the other side of the line before unintentionally yelling in his ear. "Leo, Honey get your shoes, we gotta go!".

"Something wrong Nash?".

"It's Andy... she's going to Mexico"

With six words Sam's heart stopped.

They had been sending UC's down to Mexico for four years. Sixteen of them to be exact. Fifteen had been sent home, in body bags; one was even mailed to eleven different divisions in the US. The very first one, was seen getting on a plane, and seen around the mark for about three months. He was never seen again, and never sent home. But he was most certainly dead.

"Sam?"

"I'm here" He didn't know what else to say.

"Luke's picking her up in less than an hour..."Did she really need to ask him to do this?

Sam stayed quiet, but Traci yelling his name making him snap out of it.

"Look I know that things have been rough for you guys, but you should know that she still loves you".

Another thing that he had never considered hearing from Nash.

"I...".

"Sam, I'm not asking you to declare your undying love here okay, I'm asking you to stop her from sentencing herself to death. We both know she won't come back- we've seen the files and we've assisted on this case. Please..." He could hear the silent tears behind her words, her voice cracking slightly as she let it trail off.

"Sam she still loves you, she's going because she thinks it's over- that you don't..."

"That's why she's leaving?" Sam was mystified by that, he thought that she knew why he was staying away from her. He thought that she knew he thought she wanted it that way.

"Yeah, stupid I know. I don't know what you feel for her, but if you don't stop her..."

Sam knew she was telling the truth- that if he didn't stop Andy, he wouldn't ever see her again.

No one would.

Until they shipped her home.

"I'm alone, I can't leave the scene..." Crap, he was forced to choose his career over Andy because of circumstances.

"Sam go. I'll cover you"

Sam heard her car door close signaling that she would come down here and take over.

"What about Leo? It's a double homicide"

"Damn it Sam! Just go okay, I've got everything else under control. She's going to have to fly down so go to the airport. You're wasting time so just go".

With that Nash ended the call, his phone pulling away from his ear with slight tremor's taking control of his hand.

After Andy left Traci's, her heart sagging in sheer terror that this was the last time she would see her for who knew how long.

She hailed a cab, the driver a pleasant hispanic woman who turned the radio up the second she finished giving her address.

_She wrote, "I feel just like that painting, collecting dust on the wall _

_And every day you walk right by me, and don't know I'm there at all _

_And I can't think of one single reason, why I should be hanging around" _

_She signed it, "I hope that you'll miss me", and she drove herself out of town _

_Maybe he'll notice her now, maybe he'll open his eyes _

_Sometimes it takes somebody leaving for a man to realize _

_Maybe he'll tell her she's the only thing that he can't live without _

_Now that she's gone maybe he'll notice her now _

_When he came home late that evening, he called her name down the hall _

_He saw the outline of the painting that used to hang there on the wall _

_And in it's place on the nail was a letter, he read it out loud to himself _

_And the loneliness began to take over and for once he knew just how she felt _

_Maybe he'll notice her now, maybe he'll open his eyes _

_Sometimes it takes somebody leaving for a man to realize _

_Maybe he'll tell her she's the only thing that he can't live without _

_Now that she's gone maybe he'll notice her now _

The same song from earlier filled the cab; it seemed to be following her and haunting her. It's lyrics were so close to the truth that it was scary.

In a split second, she made the rash decision to make one last stop. Her hand dug through her bag, seeking something she had held on to simply because she couldn't give it up.

When her hand found what she was looking for, she pulled it up to under her eyes, their gaze looking sadly at the photo.

Her mind made the conscious decision that it was time to let the photo go-and Sam along with it.

Calling out to the cabbie, Andy got her attention and changed her address to Sam's. Her hand digging around in her bag looking for a pen.

She had a few last words to say with her goodbye, but knew it had to be done if she was ever going to let him go.

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	7. I Want

**As always, thanks for the reviews. **

**Thanks to the regulars, Kelly2727 & SVUgirl25. **

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 7- I Want... **

Andy asked the cabbie to wait.

She climbed the stairs to Sam's house, the front door staring at her in silence.

She took one last look at the photo of her smiling at Sam…the only thing she had kept after they broke up. She flipped it over and read the words she had scribbled on the back, her heart tearing into pieces so small that they just ceased to exist as they evaporated.

They were her final words goodbye, in case she didn't make it back.

She had heard the rumors around the barn about the UC in Mexico, and it scared her.

She knew that sixteen went in, and nobody came out alive. She would be seventeen going in, but who knew about coming out.

Giving the words a last once over, she was happy with what she had written.

It was simple and straight to the point; it was also how she still felt.

She had scribbled, _'I hope that you'll miss me, Love always, Andy'_ on the back and dated it with today's date, so that he would know when it was written.

Slipping it through the mail slot in the door, the words from the stupid song that seemed to torment her rang through her mind…

_'When he came home late that evening, he called her name down the hall _

_He saw the outline of the painting that used to hang there on the wall _

_And in its place on the nail was a letter; he read it out loud to himself _

_Then the loneliness began to take over and for once he knew just how she felt' _

Okay, so maybe the song wasn't that stupid; after all, it gave her the idea of doing this and the courage to follow through.

Sam cursed traffic as he drove towards the airport.

He was around a thirty minute drive from the airport, but the lack of blue and red lights turned it into a drive that lasted closer to an hour.

He knew that he was running out of time - something he had always thought they had.

_Time._

He also had way too many regrets running through him right now.

Thinking about it, he had wasted a million opportunities to voice three little words in exactly the perfect moment, starting from when he knew how he felt, right around the time that she was stuck in the burnt out Laundromat. Or maybe it was when she announced her engagement to Callaghan. Then again, it could have been when Nixon had his hands wrapped around her neck in the storage locker. Sam didn't really know, but he knew that those feelings had been around for a long time and that he had been a complete idiot for not voicing them sooner.

It was not only hard to admit to himself that he was feeling something, but also to Oliver and Jerry. But admitting them to her - that was momentarily out of the question back then; now, it was the stupidest thing he had ever done and by far his biggest mistake.

A million thoughts had rolled over him in this moment… a thousand ways to carefully word selected sentences and a hundred excuses and lies came to mind, but in reality, there was only one thing to say, and that was the truth.

No fancy excuses, no ways to keep himself from looking bad or using carefully chosen words to stop the onslaught of tears he was sure would follow. It needed to be done the right way…the way it should have been done from the beginning…the way that had scared him so badly back then that words had failed him. The feelings were so intense that he felt like they were his own personal form of heroine, or cocaine.

Reflecting over the past and how many times she had given him the opportunity to say what he meant or what he was thinking, or even the chance to right his wrongs, he came up with one thought that tagged along from his trip down memory lane - she loved him all the way.

He had always loved her, too…

From the first instant that he had looked up into those dark, chocolate eyes, as they danced with excitement and uncertainty when she came through the door with the crappy lock.

She had burned him on that stupid UC. But if it hadn't been for that stupid UC, and they had met under different circumstances, things could have been very different for them.

But it wouldn't have been the same.

As he eyed the time, one remaining thought stormed through his brain- he had to stop her from leaving.

But time wasn't on his side, and traffic wasn't opening up. He was doomed and was never going to make it in time.

So he made the last attempt he had, played the last card he held…he called Callaghan.

Luke picked her up, as promised. Their drive to the airport was made in silence, as she put more and more space between her and her home.

She left a three page letter to her dad on the kitchen counter, knowing he would seek her out when she went missing. She just couldn't face him to say goodbye; she didn't want to see the fear and sorrow in his eyes.

They made it into the airport, Andy refusing to let Luke carry her bag. Her hands needed something to hold onto, to keep them from shaking.

They were standing side by side eyeing the departures board when Luke's phone rang; he stared wearily at the screen.

"I've got to take this," he mumbled, stepping away as Andy's eyes returned to the board.

"Hello".

"Have you lost your mind?!" Swarek's voice yelled in his ear as soon as he connected the call.

"She wanted in..."

"So you just let her have it?" Swarek was pissed, and Luke could hear a car horn blowing in the background.

"What was I supposed to do? This..."

"Just don't let her get on that plane". Sam cut Callaghan off, his tone dangerously low, as his words were whispered in warning.

"What?" Luke's eyes ran over Andy as she looked at the departures area around her.

"I'm coming to get her, so just do me a favor and delay her long enough for me to get there." Sam wasn't asking.

"You're coming to get her?" Callaghan was slightly confused by Swarek's sudden change of heart.

"Yup, so please just keep her a little longer. If I don't stop her now, there won't be another chance..."

Sam didn't need to continue his sentence; finishing it was pointless. He knew that Callaghan knew exactly what he meant. After all, he had been one of the front runners that told Sam he was an idiot for leaving Andy.

Callaghan groaned into Sam's ear, his frustration evident as he let it become audible.

"I don't think..."

"Then don't think…just do it. I've never asked for anything, but I'm asking you to do this". Sam's voice was genuinely sincere in his request.

Luke looked back towards Andy; she was absorbed in watching the people around her, her attention spanning left and right as she eyed the other passengers.

He heard Sam's truck shifting gears as he floored it, his need to get here on time bypassing the fact that he was probably breaking more than one traffic law.

"Okay, but I can't hold her forever, so you better make it on time". Luke hung up and walked back over to Andy, who managed a meek smile in his direction.

"Sure you're doing the right thing?"

"Yup". Her reply was short and full of doubt.

They stood side by side, the space between them wordless.

"I don't". Luke suddenly overstepped that boundary and just said it; Andy's eyes moved at warp speed to look at him.

"What?" Her face creased as she let her guard down for an instant, long enough for Luke to see the cracks.

He knew that Swarek was making the right choice in coming after her. The only thing was that he didn't know how he was supposed to stop her from boarding her plane when that was going to happen in fifteen minutes.

"If you don't stop running, you're never going to stop".

"I'm not running".

He heard the edge in her voice, her tone telling him that he had hit a nerve.

"Andy, you did the first time, and you are now. Only difference is, last time, you got the chance to fix it. This time, I don't think you will".

Andy stared at Luke, her mouth moving to argue, but her words failing her.

Glancing at the time, Luke excused himself to make a call; Swarek answered on the first ring.

"You're running out of time," Luke said in a flat tone.

"I'm stuck in traffic". Sam sighed, probably wishing that he had taken a cruiser instead.

Lights and sirens did wonders to move traffic along.

"I don't know how long I can keep her..."

"Just, I don't know, think of something".

Luke couldn't hear the hum of Sam's truck…he didn't know Sam was at a total standstill with time against him, as her time to leave grew nearer.

"Put her on the phone and walk away".

"What?" Luke couldn't see how that would work in Sam's favor. She'd probably hurl the phone at him.

"Just hand it to her and walk away. She won't board with your phone".

Ah, made sense, she really wouldn't.

Luke moved through the crowd of people, only to find Andy growing impatient. He nodded toward the phone his hand held out; her eyes widened as they asked the silent question of who was on the other end of the line.

"Nash". Luke hated lying to her, but if it would get her to stay long enough to let Swarek stop her, then it was a good lie.

Andy took the phone and moved to the side, away from the crowd and the noise; Luke took it as his cue to leave.

He literally left, walking away and out into the fresh air until he reached his car.

"Traci?"

"Andy".

Just her name on his lips was enough to make her flood with panic.

How did he know she was with Luke?

"Please don't do this". His voice was soft and nearly drowned out by the noise around her.

"Do what, Sam?"

"Leave".

That one single word held so much raw emotion that Andy felt tears sting her eyes as they sprang to her orbs.

"I'm..." She couldn't lie, and she knew it; she didn't even really see the point in trying, so she bit the words off and didn't bother finishing the sentence.

"Andy, I know you're going to Mexico and that you're at the airport…I just don't get why".

"Why? You want to know why? Sam, I don't have anything to stay here for. I've got my dad and Traci and Leo and my job, but that seems to get in the way of everything else. So why stay?"

Her voice was a little cold, her words setting off more alarm bells in Sam's head than were already sounding.

"So you're just going to give it all up, throw it all away?" Sam's voice shuddered in coldness as he responded.

"No, it's not like that".

"Then what is it like? Explain it to me, because I don't get why you would give it all up".

"This is about me, Sam…no one else. This is something I need to do for me".

"Why Mexico? Why one of the worst UC's to ever come up? This one is so bad that even I won't touch it, but you, you go running into it head first".

Sam's annoyance was evident in his voice, his tone slivering from calm to ragged.

Andy was looking around for Luke so that she could hang up and hand him his phone back…her plane was about to start boarding.

The announcer called her flight, Sam's heart skipping a beat when he heard her say Mexico. He knew this was it, her flight was being called, and it was time for her to go or miss her plane.

"I need to go..."

"Don't hang up…please just hear me out". Sam's voice was desperate as he spoke, so much so that he sounded breathless.

"I can't do this now," Andy mumbled as she turned around in circles, her eyes scanning the crowd for Luke's face, or a flash of his light hair.

"Five minutes, that's all I need".

"Sam, what are you doing? This has nothing to do with you. I won't change my mind". She huffed out the last few words, well aware of the fact that she had doubted this move since she had spoken to Luke about it.

"Five minutes, McNally, that's all I'm asking?" He sounded like he was pleading, and his words made her walls crumble a little more than the half cast barrier they already were.

"Five minutes? Sam, I don't have time now… my flight's boarding. What could you say or do in five minutes that is so important that you have to do it now?" She was curious, although she knew she was playing with fire and about to get burned.

"I have one thing to ask you, one thing to tell you, and one thing I want".

Andy shook her head; he was frustrating, confusing, and complicated. His timing sucked, and she really needed to go.

"What do you want? There is nothing..."

His reply slammed through her, her words stuttering to a stop as she heard what he had to say.

Never in a million years had she been expecting to hear him say that at a time like this.

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	8. Words Only Said To You

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**Chapter 8- Words Only Said To You. **

He breathed the words out into her hair, and her body tensed when she realized that he was standing behind her, whispering in her ear, rather than talking through the phone.

Andy spun around; her face was covered in shock and terror when she finally looked at him. Her hand dropped to her side, an indication that she knew that it was pointless holding Luke's phone to her ear anymore.

_"What?__"_ Her voice trembled as she asked the one worded question, in response to the command Sam uttered in her ear.

"I said I want a goodbye kiss".

Where the hell he sucked that out from, he had no idea, but he went with it. If he had to say goodbye, it would be on his own terms, and even though it scared the crap out of him, one last chance to really call her out on her feelings that way wasn't going to be missed.

"Why would you even say that?" She was still in denial that she had even heard him say that. Her hand held onto Luke's phone so tightly that her knuckles began to turn white.

"That's what I want…one last kiss. You're leaving, right? So it shouldn't matter".

Andy seemed to pale under his gaze, her flushed color seeping away as it drained from her face.

"Is that a problem, McNally?"

"You don't get to do this now". Andy hissed under her breath, as she stepped into Sam's personal space; her eyes flashed with a fire that had been missing for too long.

"Do what?"

"This…" Andy said, waving her hand around.

"Andy, the only thing I'm doing here is trying to make you miss your plane…trying to make you stay". She didn't miss the agony that was so evident when he spoke, as it had pieces of her heart slightly chipping away.

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Why would you want to leave again?" Sam countered.

"Because of this…" Andy fluttered her hand around in the air between them. "This is why I can't stay, because it's too hard, Sam".

"What's so hard about it?" Sam tried to keep his voice from rising, noticing a few passersby looking in their direction.

"I can't do this anymore. I've tried, believe me, but if that didn't work, then there is no hope that it will ever work".

She was talking in riddles; Sam's mind heard her words, but was not formulating them into any kind of logical sense.

"Andy, slow down. I don't get it".

"You, Sam. You act like I don't exist. After spending six months of my life trying to prove to you that I can do this, you still don't get it. After being extra careful and coming home in one piece, you couldn't even look at me. You know what, I'm done waiting, I'm done hoping, and I'm done being heartbroken". Her voice had risen before dropping an octave, as her crushed emotions wrapped themselves around her words.

"It's over". She slammed Luke's phone into Sam's hand; her feet spun her around before carrying her away from Sam as he watched her go.

His mind was reeling - had she really just said that she took the first UC so that he would notice her? See that she could do this job and survive?

_"Andy!" _

Sam went after her and caught up just as she reached the departure gate to her flight.

"Don't, okay?" Andy said, swinging her bag up onto the x-ray machine, as she handed her ticket to the woman behind the counter.

"You don't need to do anything to make me notice you. I can't do anything but notice you when you're around. I was stupid, and I made a mistake, okay? I'm sorry, I never meant..."

"To hurt me?" She said the words at the same time Sam did. As the spectacle unfolded, the attention of the people standing near them became totally focused on Sam and Andy.

"Well, you did. I'm not saying that I wasn't to blame too, but it's time to face the fact that we will never work".

Andy handed her boarding pass to the security guy at the gate and stepped through it, knowing that once she did, Sam wouldn't be able to follow.

The tall security guy, with his table top haircut, eyed Sam before looking at Andy and back to Sam.

Sam stood there with his hands jammed into his pockets and looked around; he refused to settle his gaze on her and watch her walk away. But a few seconds later, a heavy sigh escaped him, as he made up his mind to make one last attempt to stop her.

"I didn't get my goodbye kiss!" Sam yelled after her. Her feet took a few hesitant steps as her stride faltered, but she still didn't stop. He would never make it in time if he rushed to the ticket counter and bought a ticket to get through the gate, so he had no other choice - he had to stand and watch her leave.

A tap on his shoulder made him turn around, only to find Oliver standing behind him, shoving a piece of paper into his face.

"Payback". Oliver smiled, as Sam took hold of the paper and discovered it was a ticket to Mexico.

"I owe you one, brother," Sam said, before racing off towards the ticket counter just as the last boarding call was announced.

Sam grabbed his boarding pass and sped towards the gate, the alarm sounding as he stepped through.

He backed up and pulled out his badge and gun. He was about to hand them to security when Oliver's hand appeared, his badge held up in the other, so security wouldn't think that he was about to shoot up the airport.

Sam stepped through the metal detector again; this time, no sound of warning rang out, so he took off down the hallway.

He spotted Andy with her head dipping forwards as she carried on walking, and her shoulders slumped in defeat.

Her hand was holding onto her backpack, the only luggage she still had with her.

Picking up his pace, Sam moved past her and stopped; her head dashed up as she noticed his presence.

"How...?"

"Oliver bought me a ticket".

Andy tried to step around Sam, but he wouldn't allow her to break free. He moved to stand in front of her as she stepped side to side.

"Please just listen…you owe me that much".

"Seriously?" Andy's voice dripped in sarcasm; she was having a Gail moment, but she really didn't care.

"Please, I need to do this." Sam wasn't beyond begging this time around. He'd screwed up enough to know that if he let her walk away, he would never forgive himself.

Andy let out a loud sigh, her arms crossing over her chest, as Sam shifted around waiting for her to let him have his say.

"I'm sorry. I never should have let you go, or hurt you like that. When Jerry died, I felt like a piece of me died, and when I thought about how close it was to being you, I got scared. I once told Jerry that I was scared to be with you, but when he died, I was scared of losing you". Sam's voice faded to a husky tone as his words weakened.

"I told him that you made me think about the more that there was to life, but I made a mistake in telling him that. I should have told you. I don't do the whole relationships thing well, but with you, I didn't have to do anything. It was just like it came naturally".

Sam stopped; his eyes were trying to gouge a reaction from her, but he wasn't getting much.

"I don't need you to do this for me to notice you…I don't need you to feel like you need to do this to prove something…I just need you".

Sam saw the realization flash through her eyes at his words. She had been assuming that he wanted to stop her from leaving because he felt guilty, not because he wanted her to stay.

"I've been in love with you all along, so I want you to stay? I want us to have a shot at making this work. But I don't want to hold you back. If you really want to do this, if you really want to go, then I won't stop you. But I want you to know it's not what I want".

Andy's mouth dropped open, forming the shape of an O. Her eyes flexed a little wider as he continued his speech, the honesty breaking through her walls.

"I should have said it sooner; I should have said it more. But I couldn't. Even though I meant it when I said it when you were holding the grenade, I just didn't know if it was still there from you". Sam was being brutally honest. He knew he crushed Andy…he'd seen it in her eyes and written all over her face. He really didn't expect her to still feel anything for him after that, but he had to try.

"When you came home, it was like the universe had its own plan. I wasn't expecting you to be there, you just were. And I wanted nothing more than to just reach out to you, but I couldn't. Not until you decided you were ready. Not until you gave me some kind of sign that you wanted me too, but you didn't. So I just kept waiting. On the John sweep, when you got hurt, I realized that waiting wasn't working for me anymore, but you needed the time and space, so stupidly, I let you have it".

Andy had yet to utter a word. She had stood silently and listened to Sam talk and talk, her mind flying at warp speed in an attempt to wrap itself around what she was hearing.

"Sam, this wasn't just on you… it was me, too. I didn't give you space when you needed it. I was the one that gave you the ultimatum that night, that if you walked away, we were over. I walked away when you finally got yourself together, because I didn't want to be the girl that hangs up her cuffs when she failed". Andy finally found her voice, but her words did little to reassure Sam of anything other than the fact that she had something to say.

"When you walked in when I was holding onto the grenade, I was so scared and so happy at the same time. I was scared that we would both end up dying, but when you put your hands over mine and told me you love me, it was like all the fear and all the heartache just disappeared for those few seconds". Andy looked over Sam's shoulder, noticing the air hostess waiting at the end of the hallway with her hand on the door handle as she leered at them.

"I had been waiting to hear those words for nearly four years Sam, four years, and you finally said them because you thought I was going to die…then you covered it up with the number of bones the human body has. Who does that?"

"It's the only time I've ever said them". Sam mumbled, guilt lacing his voice at knowing she was right.

"What?"

"It's the only time I have ever said them to another human being other than Sarah or my mother".

His words left Andy reeling in shock.

"Ever?"

"One and only, I swear".

That…she didn't know how to handle. She had somehow assumed that Sam had said them to someone along the lines in his life, but hearing that he hadn't, just left her speechless.

"Andy, I've only ever said them to you, because I've only ever loved you enough to say them. I still love you; even though I don't have the right to, I do. Nothing will ever change that".

_Wow._

He just had the knack of stealing her breath away, making her heart do flutters and turning her insides out.

Someone clearing their throat drew both their gazes to the air hostess that now neared them, with a disapproving look on her face as she approached.

Security lingered behind them on the other side, a smile worn by the guy that had stopped Sam earlier.

"Officers Swarek and McNally, right?" His voice boomed when he was close enough.

Sam nodded, and Andy tried to keep her face from breaking out in a grin, their reputations preceding them to airport security.

"Boarding passes, please," the security guy demanded, holding out his hand.

Sam and Andy both handed theirs over, the security guard following through, taking them by tearing them up.

**Thanks for reading! Don't forget to check out the video made for this fic;**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	9. Always is Another Word For Forever

**As always thanks for all the reviews & follows, for this fic as well as Halo, Sin, and my new one up- Blurry. **

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**Chapter 9- Always Is Another Word For Forever. **

Both Sam and Andy gaped at the security guard who dropped the torn pieces of paper into one pocket and pulled out two others from another.

Handing them over, a smile slipped on his stern face. "Oliver Shaw asked me to tell you both that this isn't over?" He sounded confused, but honestly, no one could really blame him.

Sam reached out and took the two new tickets the guard was brandishing; when he lifted the cover of one, he found the date and time had changed. He couldn't hide the smile that tugged at his lips; Oliver had done him a favor.

Andy snatched a ticket from Sam's hand, a loud "What?!" escaping her in annoyance. She noticed that the smaller of the two security guards held her other bag, the one that she had already checked in…she just knew that, right now, she was not about to board a plane anywhere.

When he saw her eyeing the bag, he handed it over; in return, Andy gave him a hardened stare.

Oliver had somehow managed to exchange their tickets for nine pm the next day, so that gave Sam a little over twenty-four hours to get her to change her mind.

"Luke is going to freak out". Andy said, leering at Sam like the new tickets were his fault.

"I'm sure he can swing it for tomorrow". Sam said, his hindered tone not being missed.

The security guy swept a hand out in the direction of the gate, indicating that he was here to escort them back out into the departures area.

Moving with a huff, Andy walked towards the gate, with Sam following in happy silence.

Andy kept walking until her feet hit the pavement and her hand stretched out to hail a cab. Sam's hand took hold of hers and pulled it down, his sigh audible over the brim of traffic outside the airport.

"Let me take you home".

"Sam, you've done enough. I think I can manage on my own".

"Just take the ride home". Sam said, yanking on her hand that was still tucked away in his.

Andy stepped forwards without protest, her stride matching Sam's as he dragged her through traffic towards the parking lot.

Finally arriving at his truck, his hand relinquished its hold on hers, much to his dismay. He opened the door and waited for her to get in, before lifting her bag off her lap and closing the door.

He threw her bag on the back seat and climbed in behind the steering wheel.

The drive back to her condo was made in awkward stillness. The mood filling the cab was tense, each of them wrapped up in their own thoughts.

"You know, this is_ not_ how I planned on this going, right?"

Andy's eyes casted a wayward glance in Sam's direction; her face revealed little of her thoughts and feelings.

"I didn't know he was going to do that". Sam added.

"I know. I just don't get why he did it". Andy's voice was shallow, hollow - empty.

"Payback". Sam said without thinking.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I talked Zoe into letting him have a chance to spend the rest of his life making her happy, rather than letting him go. This was his thanks".

Andy didn't have words to say to that, so she kept quiet.

Sam really was a good guy.

Pulling up outside Andy's condo, Sam grabbed her bag off the back seat and stepped outside. He slowly shuffled to the front of the truck; he was hovering and knew it.

Walking over to meet him, Andy mumbled a quiet "Thanks", as she reached out and took her bag with a shaky hand.

Sam nodded, his hands reaching into his pockets as he awkwardly stood watching her.

He had no idea what to say or do, so he just let his interrupted words from earlier hang in the air.

Andy lifted her hand up to timidly wave at Sam, her eyes not quite meeting his as she stepped backwards towards the door.

In a single breath, she was gone.

At least she was still here, and he had a few hours to try and get her to understand before her new flight was due to leave.

Making his way home, Sam let wayward thoughts of her run through his mind. He had really screwed it up and had no idea how to fix it.

When he arrived home, he opened the door and entered his house with a heavy heart. One hand reached out for the light switch, while the other slammed the door closed. He put Callaghan's phone down on the table near the door as he passed it.

Treading through the house, his restlessness returned. He always felt that way when he came home.

He made his way to the kitchen and started an idle attempt at scrambling food together, the necessity to eat not really a priority in his mind.

He made himself a cup of coffee, avoiding the intake of alcohol. While his dinner was in the oven, Sam went from the kitchen to the lounge, hoping that something on the TV would hold his attention long enough to let his mind settle.

A shade of white grabbed his attention. Something lay on the floor just inside his front door, something he had missed when he came home and his house was shrouded in darkness.

Moving over to it, he gazed down, stunned at Andy's writing that neatly filled the white square. Picking it up, he flipped the paper over to find his favorite photo of them together.

It was one where you could see the happiness on her face, the gleam in her eyes. She had so much life then, even frozen in pixels.

He read her words again before he rushed into the kitchen, taking his dinner out of the oven and switching it off.

His movements didn't stop until he stood in front of her door, his hand poised to knock.

He had no idea what he was going to say or do…he just knew that even though she had planned on leaving, she had left him with one final_ 'I love you',_ one final sign that this was what she really wanted.

He knocked and waited, his insides turning to jelly, right up until the moment she opened the door.

He held out the photo for her to see, his lips tugging up in a warm smile as he realized that, this time, he had her - had the evidence that she wouldn't be able to deny.

"I've missed you for three hundred and eleven days".

"What?" She seemed lost between confusion and being numerically challenged.

"The six weeks before you left, the six months you were gone, and all the time you've been back". Sam cleared it up, making sure that she would understand what he was saying.

"Sam..." She really wasn't in the mood to do this.

"I know, but I want you to hear the rest of what I didn't say at the airport".

They were still standing in the doorway, her refusal to let him cross the threshold into her personal space telling him that she was struggling to keep him out.

"We're both emotionally challenged. That's what makes us perfect for each other. Andy, you're perfect in your imperfections, you're beautiful in your own way. And the sad part is that when I finally got to have you, I stopped seeing what it took to get you, stopped doing what I did to get there. I don't want you to go, not because I'm worried that you can't get the job done, because I know you can…I want you to stay because you want to…_for me_".

Okay, so his rambling had earned a wide eyed stare from her; her mood shifted to a little withdrawn as he watched her creep back into her shell.

"When Oliver handed me that ticket, I knew I was following you. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I was going to walk though that gate and get on that plane. If you leave tomorrow, I will be there…no going back, right?"

Andy felt like she could hit Sam.

Throwing her own words from the past back at her - that was just a low blow. But, was it his way of stating that he would follow, or his way of asking her permission to?

Sam saw that his words struck a nerve; he was hoping they would.

Getting her to remember was the easy part. Proving it? That was the hard part.

He lifted the photo and held it out in front of her, his voice eerily low as he spoke _"I hope that you'll miss me. Love always, Andy". _

He paused, just long enough to let her breathe, before continuing. It was now or never.

"Always is a long time. Always is another word for forever".

That was it, all he had to say. No more, no less.

Now he just had to wait it out until she let her guard slip long enough for him to get to her.

It didn't take long; her reaction was almost instant, as he saw her eyes flash with the knowledge that he had her squarely where he wanted her.

"Sam, I can't just let you back in to my life. Not the way you want. Not until I forgive myself for destroying the one thing I've always wanted, the one thing that..."

Suddenly everything made sense. He understood why she wanted to run, and it wasn't because she was running from him - she was running from herself.

She was running from the blame she had kept, which had weighed her shoulders down for more than three hundred and eleven days.

Jerry.

Gail

Him.

She was blaming herself.

Before her words were cold, Sam reached out and let a stray finger press over her lips in tenderness. He really wasn't about to listen to her blame herself.

Or let her hold herself back.

"Then don't make me let you go".

He just stood there, expecting her to pull away, but she didn't. So he added a little more. "Not when I don't want to. Not when you're here to give me one last shot".

Andy's brows furrowed, as her face creased hearing his words. It was like he was so sure that she would, that she was here to give him one last chance.

She knew that when she looked up and he had come beyond the check in gate at the airport, that she was in trouble…that he wouldn't let her go.

That one single action spoke reams and reams without having heard him say a single syllable yet.

The fact that he came beyond the gate also told her that if she left, he would have been on that plane too, without any luggage, leaving everything behind.

And she wouldn't even have had to ask.

"Sam, I'm just as guilty as you are; you can't take the blame. I screwed up too, a lot, and I don't expect you to just forgive me and pick up where we left off".

She had pulled her face away, just enough to talk. Her eyes scanned his for acceptance of her words, despite the fact that she really could easily lapse back into their comfort zone.

"That's not what I want. I want us to talk, and take baby steps, but I want us to get there. I want to do it right this time". Sam dropped his hand back to his side when she moved, the loss of contact causing the warm feeling that rushed through his fingertips to leave him instantly.

"And how are we supposed to do that?" Andy said, her face rendering a faint smile at the fact she was now choosing words from their past. She just hoped that his reply wouldn't be the 'I dunno, I have no idea' he had used back then.

"Let me take you to dinner later".

His answer caused a giggle to escape Andy, and the whimsical sound produced a smile of his own.

"No wait, I said I'd make you dinner, so I'll make...let's just start somewhere". Sam was suddenly nervous. He had asked Andy out a million times, but it was for a ride or a drink at the Penny…it wasn't actually for a date.

And right now, her staying depended on said date.

Andy's blush returned, its color furiously flooding her cheeks.

She hadn't really had Sam ask her out on a proper date before. Or a date to stay in.

She feigned thought, her face trying to rope in some seriousness. But how could she say no to that? How could she snuff out the hope that flickered in his eyes? How could she give up the chance to right her wrong, their wrongs, when he so honestly was fighting for that chance?

She couldn't.

So she stepped aside and let Sam in, her arm sweeping out in the air so that he would know he was invited into her personal space.

Sam slipped the photo back into his pocket, his breathing a little less shallow as he stepped inside.

He felt like he was winning the war, worming his way back in where he wanted to be; although, there were hours left for her to change her mind.

Andy watched Sam as he sprouted around her kitchen, his attention focused on his promise to make her dinner.

She was leaning against the wall, her arms across her middle, as she watched him move with ease.

She had spoken to Luke when she called the barn to crap him out for abandoning her there, in an attempt to stop her from leaving. Then, she had told him what Oliver had done.

She got the feeling that he already knew that, as his boisterous laugh was not quite one of shock.

He went on to tell her that if Sam walked through the boarding gate, and left his life behind to chase her, then she was more of an idiot than he thought. He said that if someone was willing to do that for her, and she still didn't see what it meant and walked away, she was just plain stupid.

She knew Luke was right - Sam wouldn't do that for just anyone.

Having admitted to Sam that she still carried a lot of guilt because she blamed herself made her heart feel lighter. Telling him that she was seriously reconsidering her decision to leave? That would just be hard. Because she really was.

She watched him glance briefly at her before he focused back on whatever it was that he was doing. Andy had thought about giving this up - giving him up. How did she ever think she would be able to do that?

She thought back over the song that had been haunting her, its line of _'I'm coming home' _jumping to mind. She couldn't come home, because she's already there.

Sam smiled in her direction, but only for a second. He knew that if he looked for longer than that, she would captivate him. He was aware that she needed the time to think without his gaze burning holes through her.

When Andy pushed off the wall and walked away, he noticed her lip tucked between her teeth and began to worry. She was so easy to read when she waged a war in her own mind that her face did nothing to hide it. It was like when she tried to lie. She just couldn't.

He carried on in the kitchen; his ears strained to hear her movements, but he didn't hear anything.

His phone buzzed in his pocket; he wiped his hands on a cloth before retrieving the pulsating object.

He saw her name flash across the screen. A new email had been sent to him from her for some odd reason, when he was right there.

He felt the return of the panic, as his mind raced to the conclusion that she had decided that she really couldn't do this, or didn't want to, and she didn't know how to tell him that in person.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the email to find a string of names attached to the address box, not just his.

Oliver's was there, Callaghan's, Nash, Epstein, Peck, Collins, and even Frank, plus a few more.

Scrolling down, he searched the words for answers. His smile lit up in amusement as he leaned back against the kitchen counter top, oblivious to her watching him from the doorway.

_'I, Andy McNally (Idiot) am home for good. No more running, no more stupid. So no, Mexico is not an option right now (sorry, Luke), because I have my always and forever right here, and I'm not about to screw it up by leaving again.' _

Sam reread the words a few times, just to make sure that he was really reading it correctly. His eyes relayed the message to his brain, but his brain failed to convert it to sense.

"Do you mean it?" He suddenly said, startling her slightly. She thought her presence was unnoticed, but she should have known better; he never seemed to miss it, unless he was purposefully ignoring her.

Andy finally let her smile wrap its way over her lips, her head nodding an affirmative reply.

She had already said so much at the airport, but she just wanted him to know that, this time, she meant it.

"Eventually". She voiced, her way of telling him that they still needed work to get there.

"Promise?" Sam said, hoping she knew what she was getting herself into. There was no way he was letting her go or back out now, ever.

If she said her 'yes' now, there would be no more breaks slammed on to stop him from walking right over to her and...

"Sam, something's burning".

Oh crap, he was so lost in the future that he forgot about the sauce for the pasta.

When he turned around, the sauce was boiling over, so he switched off the stove and pulled the pan off the heat. His gratefulness at saving dinner was expressed with a sigh of relief.

"Hey Andy?" He called over his shoulder.

"Yup?"

"I need to change the goodbye kiss to a hello kiss. That okay with you?"

When Sam twisted back, Andy was right behind him, standing on her toes and looking over his shoulder at the stove.

Her face was flushed, and her breath hitched at Sam's sudden close proximity.

Her lips were still brandishing their lopsided smile, her eyes alight with something Sam hadn't seen in a long time.

"Yup". She was almost pouting as she answered. Sam's hand snaked out to tug her closer.

"So, you've finally noticed me now?" Sam said, as she stepped an inch closer.

"Never stopped".

Sam sighed at her answer; hearing her say what he had always wished was better than he had imagined.

"Never stopped loving you, either," she added. Sam inhaled a sharp breath at her words; her scent invaded his every sense as he breathed in.

"Seriously?" was all Sam could utter in reply.

"Always, Sam".

"I love you too, forever, McNally".

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


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